Breaking the cycle of school bullying with kindness sounds simple – but is easier said than done

SINGAPORE – There’s a saying, kill them with kindness, a line often traced to Shakespeare’s The Taming Of The Shrew.

The expression has, over time, shed its theatrical origins to mean something more straightforward – meeting hostility with generosity or disarming negativity with excessive kindness.

It came to mind as the authorities announced on April 15 a set of new anti-bullying measures and, more broadly, renewed efforts to shape the moral development of children, as well as the values and character they carry with them as they grow.

The message sent is clear: Schools – and the wider public – are to take bullying more seriously and respond with firmer resolve. Such offences will be handled the same way as other forms of serious misconduct such as truancy and vaping.

Suspension, detention and even caning are among the disciplinary actions that school bullies could face, as part of a broader push for more consistent enforcement across school grounds.

There is also a clearer expectation that schools act promptly and communicate with parents, rather than leaving them in the dark.

Yet, it is also hard not to think about the texture of school life itself – the millions of micro-interactions that unfold each day, most beyond the view of any adult. Many are fleeting, mundane, happening both online and off. The majority of these encounters will not reach the stage of needing formal disciplinary action.

But within these interactions lie the potential for both harm and care. Surveys suggest bullying is not uncommon, even if official figures capture only the more serious, reported cases.

Among the recommendations from the Ministry of Education’s year-long review of bullying and hurtful behaviour was a call to “deepen a culture of kindness and respect in all schools”. It is, perhaps, the most intangible of the proposals – harder to define, let alone execute.

But it may also be the most crucial.

Placing it front and centre acknowledges that rules and punishments can set boundaries and act as deterrents, but it is the school culture that ultimately determines whether children feel safe, and whether relationships formed within those walls are shaped by empathy, trust and mutual regard.

The alternative is unsettling: a school environment shaped instead by contempt, cruelty and the forces of peer approval, exclusion and domination.

This aligns with international research that shows harsh, punitive measures alone are not enough to address the deeper causes of bullying.

The focus, increasingly, is shifting beyond a narrow framing of bullies and victims to the wider peer dynamics that shape behaviour.

Group norms are not defined solely by the actions of those directly involved, but by the responses of the many who witness them. In other words, the behaviour of bystanders can either reinforce harm or help bring it to a stop.

Silence, laughter, indifference – these can all enable hurtful conduct to persist. Just as powerfully, small acts of intervention by “upstanders” – a few individuals who choose to take action when they see injustice – can disrupt it.

What does a culture of kindness and respect look like in the lives of children and teenagers forging friendships while navigating peer pressure and conflict?

It is found in the gestures and choices they make: summoning the courage to stand up for what is right, defending a more vulnerable classmate, including someone on the margins, or simply refusing to join in when others are being laughed at.

It is choosing restraint and gentleness over anger and aggression.

In this sense, kindness is not to be mistaken for weakness. It does not mean avoiding conflict or being “soft”. It requires both empathy and a certain resolve to care for another person or to point out injustice even when it is uncomfortable or unnatural. These are the social instincts that help counter hurtful behaviour before it escalates.

Kindness is difficult. It is a response that disrupts hostility by refusing to mirror it, not playing by the rules of those “in power”, but strengthening the norms that encourage inclusion, fairness and dignity.

A recent working paper on bullying released by the Organisation for Economic Cooperation and Development in February underscores this point.

The most effective school-based interventions around the world, it noted, combined firm disciplinary measures with restorative approaches that prioritise repair and mending relationships.

Clear definitions of bullying, structured reporting mechanisms, and consistent follow-through are part of the equation – but so too is the cultivation of healthier peer norms.

Among the three examples highlighted in the report was Finland’s KiVa, an anti-bullying programme in schools which aims to influence group norms and how children and young people act when they witness bullying.

The programme’s core approach centres on prevention and shaping how students think and act when they witness bullying, through discussion, role play and guided reflection.

Targeted interventions are used when incidents occur, but the broader aim is to shift the collective behaviour of the group, with the involvement of the entire school community, including parents.

The lesson is a simple but demanding one: While rules and consequences matter, it is the everyday actions of the many that ultimately set the tone for what is accepted and what is not.

In a world marked by conflict and strain, the adults whom children encounter daily inadvertently shape their understanding of kindness and empathy.

Schools are often the first places children learn to navigate interpersonal situations with peers, but home is where they first observe how adults respond to tension, disagreement and hurt.

Not every child grows up in a home environment where respect and healthy conflict are consistently modelled.

It is right that those who harm others are held accountable and face consequences. But discipline must be paired with a measure of empathy if the goal is not just to manage behaviour but change it from within.

That means having difficult conversations and supporting all those involved – including those who err – to process their emotions, look past labels, and work towards repair. This could take the form of intentional coaching, creating space for honest reflection without judgment, and working with families to address deeper, unresolved issues.

This way is neither the easiest nor the fastest, but it is one that offers the possibility of changing how children respond to one another as they grow up.

Perhaps then we can truly model what kindness looks like and begin to break the cycle of bullying.