Are you a ‘flaky friend’? You may need to take care of yourself first

It was weeks of coordinating different schedules.

My husband and I had agreed to host a group of friends for a small lunch gathering. Then, we agreed to also show up for a dinner with extended family – with a toddler and baby in tow – because that was also the only time everyone could make it. 

We also had to catch an early morning flight the next day – and we hadn’t started packing yet. Clearly, we had overcommitted. As the hours went by, the temptation to back out of our plans only increased.

As a journalist who used to cover breaking news, I was used to giving my friends advance warning about the occasional last-minute cancellation due to a sudden news event. I was equally accustomed to my friends in the industry doing the same to me.

But backing out of plans at the last minute for no reason other than simply being too tired, or no longer feeling up to it, was something I’d never considered a socially acceptable reason, much less one that I’d expect my friends to understand. 

Until now. 

The rise of social flaking

Introverts like me probably know the feeling: that sense of impending dread as the time comes for us to fulfil our social obligations – and we wonder why we even agreed to make these plans in the first place. Inertia to leave the house takes hold, and we may even secretly hope our friends back out first. 

It has spawned several memes on social media, like one which talks of the “sweet sweet relief at not having to leave your house” when a friend cancels at the last minute. 

In fact, “flaking”, or the cancelling of social plans, often at the last minute, seems to have become increasingly prevalent in recent years. And stating outright that you’re simply not in the mood to meet up seems to have become an excuse that one expects friends to understand and accept in the name of “self-care”. 

This was a phenomenon highlighted in a recent article by The Guardian, featuring respondents from all over the world sharing their experiences on flaking or being “flaked out on”. Many of those who admitted to flaking out on their friends said they didn’t feel the need to apologise for prioritising their personal needs over those of others. 

“These days, I’ll take any excuse to cancel at the last minute and it feels like self-care,” said one respondent. Others talk about how they see others doing it – and realise they can do it too. 

Another oft-cited reason for the rise of such behaviour is the Covid-19 pandemic. “It’s a new normal,” according to a 2022 Wall Street Journal article. 

Psychologists and those quoted in the article note that nowadays, we’re simply more used to plans falling through at the last minute. We’re also more comfortable going ahead with plans when others back out because rescheduling could mean another round of postponements. 

After all, with the various restrictions on social gatherings we faced during the pandemic, how many of us got used to planning a meeting, only for new restrictions on group sizes to scupper our plans, or for someone to cancel, saying he or she had been exposed to someone with Covid-19? 

It is, perhaps, no surprise that cancelling at the last minute has become more socially acceptable post-pandemic. But has this gone too far? 

In the Guardian article, those who were on the receiving end of flaking talked about how this behaviour can break the trust in a friendship. One respondent highlighted how a family member had backed out of a wedding with “zero notice” and was “totally unapologetic” when confronted. “I’ve lost all respect for them,” she said.  

Continued flaky behaviour can also result in one gaining a reputation as being unreliable and as a person who cannot be trusted to keep their word. Some “flaky friends” may end up being dropped from friend groups altogether. 

It’s not just social gatherings. Businesses and professional event organisers also highlighted a rise in no-shows for commitments like hairdressing appointments, ticketed events and even job interviews. 

A deeper problem

It’s easy to condemn flaky behaviour as inconsiderate and disrespectful. And for the most part, it is, especially when a friend has committed time, energy and sometimes even money to make the meeting. 

But as someone who understands the stress of following through on plans already made, I wondered about the root cause of flaking. Rather than simply being inconsiderate behaviour, could it also be a sign that we’re not taking care of ourselves enough? 

“You can’t show up for others if you aren’t showing up for yourself first,” says Rachel Wilkerson Miller in her book The Art Of Showing Up: How To Be There For Yourself And Your People. Showing up for yourself, she writes, involves being aware of yourself and your needs, and recognising what you’re comfortable doing or not doing. 

This, I found, was a helpful reminder. If we know, for instance, that we aren’t willing to shell out for a particular concert or play, or that we’d much rather read a book at a cafe – alone – than hang out with a group of acquaintances on a weekend, that helps us set boundaries around what we agree – or not agree – to do. 

If an invitation sparks discomfort or reluctance, it’s probably a sign that we should just say no. We need to be aware of our limits – and that they can change over time. 

I used to enjoy meeting friends over dinner after work on weekday nights, and would even enjoy the occasional supper. But at this stage of my life, I’ve come to realise I prefer to spend time with my family in the evenings – and I should, as a general rule of thumb, not agree to plans for weekday nights. 

My energy levels have also gone down over the years. Being able to show up for two social gatherings before going on a trip the next morning might have been possible five years ago. Now? Not so much. 

The case for saying no 

Often, we agree to gatherings or commitments we don’t truly want to attend simply because we fear seeming rude or causing offence to someone.

We may also – as in my case – agree to show up because we fear inconveniencing others. Our reluctance drags on till the last minute – and that’s when the temptation to flake becomes the strongest. 

But if we know we’re not keen on doing something, a better option would be to say no. It’s especially challenging for someone who’s fearful of disappointing friends. But, as Ms Miller writes, agreeing to do something we don’t want to do isn’t necessarily kind – it can actually be selfish. 

“Being cancelled on at the last minute is truly frustrating,” she says. “Also frustrating: Hanging out with a person who doesn’t actually want to be there.” 

Saying no can be as simple as stating that the activity isn’t your preference or that you avoid weekday plans to prioritise rest. Our friends may be disappointed, or even frustrated, at that point. But early notice may also give them a chance to find someone else who would truly enjoy the activity proposed.  

And if we find ourselves in a situation where we feel the need to cancel at the last minute? Ms Miller’s advice is to be honest about it – even if it’s simply that we’re not in the mood for it, or we’ve realised that we’ve overcommitted ourselves. 

“Being honest is an act of vulnerability, and that vulnerability can actually strengthen a friendship,” she says. 

At the end of the day, friendship is important, and showing up for gatherings or doing things we may not necessarily want to do is part and parcel of that. In those circumstances, a change in perspective might be helpful: Instead of wondering “what’s in it for me?”, see the meet-up or gathering as a chance to be a friend to a person you genuinely care about.  

I’ve learnt this myself: After dragging my feet to meet-ups I wished I’d said no to, I ended up being pleasantly surprised at the depth and richness of our shared conversations. 

Sometimes, showing up may not be that bad after all.