Learning to become a better grandfather

UNITED STATES – When Mr Ted Page became a grandfather in 2014, he wanted to hear other men’s stories, “real experiences that hopefully would guide newcomers”, he recalled.

“We’re shifting into a different part of our lives,” said Mr Page, 63, from Lexington, Massachusetts. “I was trying to picture what it would be like.”

The co-founder of a marketing consulting firm wondered whether it was wise to pass around photos of his grandchildren, at meals with clients. “There’s a bit of a stigma,” he said. “It could be seen as an indication that one is ready for the pasture.”

As he searched the Web for information about this new role, he found a dozen blogs where grandmothers were chatting, seeking advice and exchanging ideas.

But blogs for grandfathers? None.

So, he started Good Grandpa, where he ruminates about things like his own grandfather’s wisdom and the height markings on a kitchen wall that is about to undergo renovation.

Mr Greg Payne, 53, an information technology project manager in suburban Atlanta, encountered the same void when his first grandchild was born four years ago.

After struggling to find books about grandfathering, he turned to movies and television, but came up empty-handed, apart from the dispiriting 2013 movie Bad Grandpa, featuring a lecherous alcoholic who neglects an eight-year-old.

In popular culture, “grandfathers typically are checked out”, Mr Payne said. He started the Cool Grandpa podcast in 2020 because “there is so much more to say about the relationship”.

Grandfathers are often excluded from societal narratives about relationships between generations, somehow secondary to grandmothers. There is limited recent research about grandfathering, and the cultural expectations for how grandfathers should behave are hazy.

“You get these gendered stereotypes,” said sociologist Robin Mann at Bangor University in Wales, who studies the way men in Britain approach grandparenting and how it relates to masculinity later in life. “Grandfathers themselves often see the role as feminised – a woman’s role.”

Some men, like Mr George Schweitzer, a retired media executive in New York, view the role as a second chance.

When his three daughters were young, Mr Schweitzer, now 71, was ascending the corporate ladder. He made it a point to come home in time for their evening routines, but “I’d lie on their beds to read to them and fall asleep before they did”, he said.

Now, Mr Schweitzer and his wife, who have five grandchildren, are “as involved as we can be without being obnoxious”.

Mr Barry Sage-El, 69, a retired software designer in Montclair, New Jersey, describes himself as “the master of the sleepover – and the sleepover breakfast”.

Once or twice a month, his three grandchildren, aged three to five, take over the sofa bed in his second bedroom – a fun event, but also a break for their parents.

Because his wife still works, Mr Sage-El is the one who usually oversees their walks to the park and the gelato store, the children’s art projects, and the pancakes they make together the next morning.

“We just like to see them grow,” he said. “I’m not only their friend, but also an influencer who can help shape them with things they’ll remember.”

Sociologist Jennifer Utrata at the University of Puget Sound, who has interviewed dozens of parents and grandparents, found that even when grandfathers are involved, “the care is often arranged, monitored and checked on by the grandmothers”. The grandfathers see their role as supplementary, helping out their spouses.

Researchers, however, believe change is on the horizon. Cultural and demographic trends, including better health and longer lives, mean that grandfathers can take more active roles. As contemporary dads become grandpas, caring for kids may feel satisfying and familiar.

“I’m seeing that both grandmothers and grandfathers want to be involved, though I don’t think grandfathers are changing diapers as much,” said developmental psychologist Kathy Hirsh-Pasek at Temple University and a senior fellow at the Brookings Institution.

Still, there are many ways men can continue to develop closer bonds with their grandchildren, she noted. Here are some ways to get started.

Ask your adult children for help: Let them know these connections are important to you. Parents can facilitate them by arranging FaceTime and Zoom sessions. “Not-so-great fathers sometimes make very good grandfathers,” said Dr Karl Pillemer, a psychologist at Cornell University and author of Fault Lines: Fractured Families And How To Mend Them.

Grandfathers may need to acknowledge their parental shortcomings, making clear what will be different this time. They should also discuss and accept the terms and boundaries their adult children set.

Dr Pillemer suggested asking: “How can I be helpful to you?”

Share interests with grandchildren: Prof Hirsh-Pasek urged parents to share information about their children’s current obsessions, so grandfathers can bone up on dinosaur facts or watch a few episodes of Bluey and talk with their grandkids about them. For online visits, “find books they can read together and things they can do together”, she said.

She also suggested that grandfathers share their interests. Usually, “if you like woodworking or boating, kids will enjoy learning about it”, she said.

Sport is another area where many grandfathers seem happy to get involved, Dr Mann said. NYTIMES