What dads really want: Other dads to discuss parenting struggles with

SINGAPORE – While there is a perception that fathers do not have a support system to help them in their parenting journey, a survey has found that many of them turn to their friends, who are dads themselves, to talk about bringing up children.

Some 75 per cent of the fathers surveyed said they have a friend they confide in about their parenting struggles. Almost 80 per cent are comfortable talking to other dads about issues they face as fathers, and almost 90 per cent think having a dad-friend is important to help them in their parenting journey.

But even so, nearly 40 per cent say they can be a better parent, giving themselves a rating of six and below on how well they play their role as a father. Similarly, over 40 per cent rate their knowledge on parenting at six and below. The rating scale ranges from zero (not well at all) to 10 (very well).

The survey by local charity Focus on the Family Singapore was conducted among around 270 fathers in May 2022.

The charity said more can be done to help fathers become more confident and competent as parents.

To this end, it has launched a Father’s Day campaign with quizzes and activities to encourage bonding between fathers and children aged five to 12. Father’s Day falls on Sunday.

The quizzes encourage fathers to think about how they were shaped by their own upbringing, and to get to know their children better.

The campaign at

www.family.org.sg/Braveheart

started on June 9 and will run till next Monday.

“Understanding our social, emotional and moral heritage gives us a better understanding of why we respond to things a certain way and helps us to explore what kind of heritage we would like to pass to our children,” says the website.

In one activity, fathers and their children are given prompts to talk about their role models, their closest friends and their favourite activity to do together, among other topics.

Another activity encourages fathers to bond with their children by going grocery shopping, taking a walk or watching a show together.

One father, Mr Isaiah Kuan, 49, spoke about his challenge of understanding his two teenage daughters as they grow up.

“When it comes to the emotional needs my daughters are going through – sometimes they feel anxious about what’s going on in school or what’s going on with their friends – my wife will usually take the lead to talk to them.”

But he wants to be there for his daughters, aged 14 and 17, too, and to understand what they are experiencing.

To know his daughters better, he makes it a point to chat with them every other night over supper or drinks.

He also taps his support network of dads he got to know through blogging about his parenting journey in 2006, when his elder daughter Joey was born.

He said the dad group has helped him through different stages of fatherhood, such as exchanging tips when Joey was preparing for the Primary School Leaving Examination. “Some have kids in their 20s, and I can hear their stories and learn what to do when my girls are in their 20s,” he added.

Mr Ian Tan, 38, has also been plagued by fears while bringing up his two sons, aged three and five. He recounted an incident where his then two-year-old son Josiah fell in the playground and had a concussion, after which all colours appeared pink to him.

He worried every day until Josiah regained his ability to identify colours a month later.

The director of special projects and innovation shared how his dad-friend supported him through the stress of balancing work with spending time with his sons.

He and another dad with young sons made plans to go for regular late-night runs together, after putting their boys to bed.

They would open up to each other about their struggles then. “These instances offered a comforting reassurance that I was not alone in my experiences and challenges,” he said.