Singapore couple shelter ‘brother’s’ wife, 3 kids who left home over spousal violence fears

SINGAPORE – A programme that helps abusive men to break the cycle of violence has grown from strength to strength, amid a rise in spousal violence in the past few years.

More men have joined the Thye Hua Kwan Moral Charities (THKMC) Brotherhood programme, which works with those who have abused their loved ones to help them heal and stop using violence. Some men have even stepped up to help their “brothers” in need.

One of them is Mr Rizwan Habib who, together with his girlfriend Elizabeth Neo, did not hesitate to invite their “brother’s” wife and three children to stay with them when they recently left home.

Mr Rizwan, a 42-year-old who works in a social media firm, said: “She had (a marital) issue with her husband and she was worried about their safety, that things would get out of hand.”

The woman and her children slept on the streets for a night before she called Ms Neo for help, and the couple took them in.

The lack of space in the couple’s one-room rental flat was no barrier to their resolve to help. Ms Neo, a 35-year-old part-time waitress, is divorced with a six-year-old son.

Mr Rizwan said: “In situations like this, we have to make space. I have been homeless before, so I know (being homeless is) a traumatic thing.”

The couple knew the wife and her husband through the Brotherhood programme, which started in 2019 with just 10 men. It has supported over 100 men so far and now has 63 active members.

Mr Rizwan and Ms Neo alerted Mr Ben Ang, a social worker who runs the programme, to the family being in trouble, while other members of the group checked in on the husband.

After talking to the husband to calm him down and assessing it was safe, Mr Ang said the wife and her children returned home after one night at Mr Rizwan and Ms Neo’s flat, while the husband went to stay with his sister for a few days to cool down.

He added that the wife and her husband are now on better terms as they have learnt to communicate more.

The men know that they can find support from their “brothers”, the term they call one another, in the programme, said Mr Ang, centre director of THK Family Service Centre@Bedok North.

The men communicate in an active WhatsApp chat, and share when they need help or a listening ear, among other things.

Others in the group respond to support men in need of help in various ways so that they do not flare up, get into a rage and turn violent, Mr Ang added.

And about two years ago, the programme started training some of the men to facilitate their group sessions and to mentor other men, among other initiatives.

These group sessions, which take place once every three weeks, help the men to understand the root causes of their violence. They are also taught to manage their anger and to learn empathy for those they have hurt.

Some men also take their wives or girlfriends to these sessions for support, Mr Ang said.

And some men have asked their wives for forgiveness during these sessions for the hurt they have caused them.

The number of spousal violence cases has risen in the past few years with greater awareness of family violence and more willingness to report an abusive spouse, social workers say.

There were 2,008 new spousal violence cases in 2023, a 23 per cent increase from 1,632 cases in 2021, according to the inaugural Domestic Violence Trends report released by the Ministry of Social and Family Development on Sept 26.

Mr Ang said helping abusive men break the cycle of violence is critical in tackling the scourge of family violence. But one key hurdle is the stigma as well as shame these men face, which stops them from seeking help.

Men need to feel safe and that they are not judged before they are willing to seek help, Mr Ang said.

He noted it is hard for the men to acknowledge that they have hurt their loved ones, and they too are hurting.

“Men who have caused harm need to be given the opportunity for redemption to break the cycle of violence. When they are prepared to step forward, the chances of rehabilitation increase by a lot,” he said.

“We train the brothers to run projects to champion non-violence and to share their stories to reduce the stigma of shame. This also strengthens their new identity as a better man.”

Mr Ang said that 90 per cent of the men have either been abused as a child or have witnessed a loved one being abused. 

“Much of the abusive behaviour is learnt behaviour, like they feel a man should be tough and powerful,” he said. “And they feel they have to assert more control if the women or children disregard their authority.”

The men have also started sharing their life experiences with students by going to schools to do so.

Mr Ang said: “The brothers share their stories, their dark past and their turning points (in life), and the skills and knowledge they have learnt along the way. They want to guide youth, so that the youth do not have to go through the same tough journey as them.”

For Mr Rizwan and Ms Neo, they have come a long way since the early rocky days of their relationship.

She said: “We are both broken (people). He has his past, I have my past. I have had many bad experiences in life, and so when I’m very angry, I can’t control myself.

“I would bite him and hit him. He has also slapped me before.”

Mr Rizwan had even resorted to calling the police after Ms Neo hit him, so that he would not lose control of himself in a fit of anger and lay hands on her.

But they stopped fighting after he joined the Brotherhood programme about two years ago. Ms Neo also attends its sessions.

Both of them have a painful past.

Mr Rizwan, whose late mother was a drug addict, spent more than 20 years behind bars during seven jail sentences for drug and other offences.  

The primary school dropout obtained his Primary School Leaving Examination, O-level and A-level certificates in Prison School as he wanted to change for the better and get a white-collar job. 

He is now studying part-time for a social work degree from the Singapore University of Social Sciences, and hopes to be a social worker in future.

As for Ms Neo, she was jailed three times for drug offences. Her former partner was abusive and the scars from that carried over to her relationship with Mr Rizwan.

She said Mr Rizwan is calmer and now prioritises his family’s needs more, while she has also learnt to control her anger.

Mr Rizwan said: “Now, I’m very careful with my words, so I don’t belittle her or say demeaning things to humiliate her. I feel I can control my anger better.”

He added: “One reason why I’m still part (of Brotherhood) is that we tend to forget the things we have learnt. So being here allows me to keep reminding myself to stay on the straight and narrow, and continue to mend my behaviour for the better.”

If you are or suspect someone is facing family violence, please call the National Anti-Violence and Sexual Harassment Helpline on 1800-777-0000.