The Usual Place Podcast

Shrinking social circles: Why we may struggle to build friendships as adults

In this episode of The Usual Place, host Natasha Ann Zachariah explores the complexities of forming - and keeping - friendships in adulthood.

Natasha Ann Zachariah

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SINGAPORE – In 1999, when American artist Vitamin C sang about graduation, she wondered if schoolmates could truly be friends forever, “as our lives change, come whatever”.

Graduation (Friends Forever) was the anthem for young people all over the world, played at graduation ceremonies and parties, as teens like me lapped up the chorus about lifelong friendship.

What I didn’t quite understand at that time – or perhaps chose to ignore – was how the essence of the song was about the uncertainty of life and moving on from your childhood or school friends.

As it turns out, she was right.

Some 25 years later, keeping in touch with your friends from secondary school, junior college or polytechnic might not be that easy as we thought it would be.

Post-Covid

neliness persists

, and people find themselves drifting away from friendships that they never imagined they would outgrow

Is making friends as an adult a whole new ball game? And what are the rules for keeping those friendships?

In this episode of The Usual Place, I went straight to two friendship specialists for their take on why forging adult friendships is hard.

Co-founder and CEO of Friendzone SG Grace Ann Chua, 30, and co-founder of Offline Singapore Jarell Low, 34, run events for people to connect with others, and hopefully, move on to the friendship stage.

(From left) The Usual Place host Natasha Zachariah, Jarell Low, co-founder of Offline Singapore and Grace Ann Chua, co-founder and CEO of FriendzoneSG.
ST PHOTO: DESMOND FOO

Breaking down the post-school friendship woes, Grace said people get busy and embrace different priorities.

“When we’re in school, we have a fixed schedule and there’re lots of opportunities to spend time with our friends,” she said.

“But after you graduate and everyone’s living their own lives...it gets so much harder to catch up or meet with your friends.”

Jarell added that as we get older, we are more certain of who we are – and what we want or don’t want out of our friendships. “(Making new friends) becomes harder because the parameters get tighter. You need to make more effort, and it’s tiring because you’re working and life is in the way.”

But both of them agreed we still do need friends.

As Grace put it: “I don’t think anyone can get through life alone.”

She said that the beauty of friendship lies in how friends care for you and support you in difficult times, and also call you out on your blind spots.

Yet, despite the benefits of strong friendships, their value may not always be celebrated or is even taken for granted.

Jarell said: “In our culture and society, family is important, finding a partner is also important. But has anyone said, ‘Have you made any friends’?

“We think that partners are more important than friends, but when you have a problem with your partner, you actually go to your friend,” he added.

Jarell’s

quest to make new friends beyond his social circles

led him and his friend to launch Offline Singapore in December 2022, a social networking group for people between the ages of 25 and 35.

Grace and her university friends founded Friendzone SG in 2018 to get to know people after they left university and stopped living on campus.

We talked about everything from navigating friendships with married people who have kids to recognising red flags such as being late for get-togethers or not responding quickly enough to text messages. We also reflected on our own relationships and what we learnt from them.

To those who feel they have lost the ability to make friends, Grace offered a good tip: Keep an open mind.

Making friends is like a “journey that takes time”, she said.

“Also, be patient and compassionate to yourself as you meet new people. You won’t be everyone’s cup of tea, but hopefully, when you put yourself out there enough, you will meet people you can click and vibe with, and enjoy.”

Jarell compared life to a book of many chapters, and friends – like your family or partner – will be part of that story. “So if you want more exciting chapters, make more friends,” he suggested.

So what’s your advice for making friends? Tell me on IG, on e-mail, or in the comment section of this video on YouTube. I’ll see you next time at The Usual Place.

Nat

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Host: Natasha Zachariah (

natashaz@sph.com.sg

)

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Filmed by: ST Video

Edited by ST Podcast producers: Teo Tong Kai & Eden Soh