Secret to their 26-year marriage? Be honest and open

Like many married couples, Mr David Lang and his wife Chew Wai Yee would often bicker and fight. After being married for 26 years, however, they now discuss and set right.

Mr Lang, 51, used to get annoyed, like when he drives over to pick up his wife and she’s nowhere to be found. “I (used to) get upset,” Mr Lang says, “like my efforts are not being appreciated.”

The couple, who both work as ministry leaders in the same church, agree that such tension isn’t something to avoid.

So what’s the secret to their lasting marriage? What’s behind their approach to conflict?

“We fought so bad. Even 15 years into our marriage, we were still fighting,” says Mr Lang. “But we want to make this work.”

Their hard-won wisdom: Have honest conversations to understand each other better. Mr Lang and Ms Chew are also volunteer mentors for Journey with You (JoY), a free programme organised by the Registry of Marriages in collaboration with Families for Life Council. (see other story below)

Under JoY, the couple meets newlyweds to guide them through their first year of marriage, sharing what took them decades to learn.

Clash of personalities

He is charismatic, expressive and fun. She is cool, calm and collected.

They’re complete opposites – and that’s what drew them to each other, shares Ms Chew, 53.

But after they got married in 1999 following a decade of friendship, these differences “kicked in”. “We started to irritate one another,” she says with a laugh.

The emotional gulf grew as they dealt with conflict in differing ways. “Any emotions I can see in him (are) displayed out loud,” says Ms Chew. “But I freeze up when I see someone being angry.”

So when hubby tried to express his emotions in those early days, she would clam up. “I did not know how to share with him what was in my head.”

Both spouses are clear about how they have been shaped by their upbringings, leading to different sets of emotional needs and triggers.

Mr Lang was raised by parents who were both working. They had little time for affection and attention. So in his youth, Mr Lang felt starved of what he calls “affirmation”.

As an adult, he says, he became sensitive to moments when he felt taken for granted.

Ms Chew, on the other hand, grew up in a seemingly harmonious family – but only because her parents kept conflicts under wraps.

It was only as an adult that she learnt, through her faith community, that it was better to communicate openly. For the sake of her connection with Mr Lang, she began putting effort into expressing her emotions.

“It doesn’t come easy for me,” she says. “Being a bit emotionally inhibited, I think that posed a challenge. I had to learn to connect.”

Over time, they learnt to adjust to each other’s conflict management styles.

“He allowed me space so that I (could get) in touch with my feelings, and then come back to him to talk,” Ms Chew explains.

Meanwhile, Mr Lang tried to understand himself better. “What really made me angry? What really made me upset? I had to learn to work on myself, take notes (and) reflect. And over the years, (our) dynamic changed.”

One-on-one ‘dates’

Their approach to marriage, which prioritises honest conversations, also shaped how they raised their children, aged between 18 and 24.

On top of the couple’s weekly date nights, they also make it a point to spend one-on-one time with each of their three children.

These weekly sessions began when the children were still young and were built into the family’s regular routines.

Mr Lang, who has flexible work hours in his job as a ministry leader, would take one child out on a grocery run or go for a gaming session.

Ms Chew prefers conversations over a meal – or, once in a while, a game of pool, recalls her eldest son, Evan, 24.

The goal was bonding – something the couple was determined to build.

Before becoming parents, Ms Chew says, “everything (revolved) around the two of us”.

The couple rotated caregiving duties so that both parents had weekly nights off to reconnect with themselves and their friends. “That helped to give us a little bit of space on our own,” says Ms Chew.

As the children grew into teenagers, their approach needed adjustment.

“I have to watch out for their non-verbal (cues),” says Ms Chew. For example, they would sometimes show up with long faces and earpieces plugged in.

On those days, she says, forcing them into conversation would be counterproductive. “We tried – it didn’t work,” says Mr Lang.

She has learnt to give them space while seizing opportunities for impromptu chats if she catches her child in a talkative mood.

Evan, who works as a pre-school educator, shares how the habit of regular one-on-one time has strengthened his bond with his family.

“I’m a lot closer with my parents compared with my peers,” Evan observes.

“I enjoy their company, I share much of my life with them, and we do a lot of stuff together. These are some things that I feel like I don’t even have with all of my friends.”

“In the family that I hope to build in the future, it would also be that way,” says the bachelor.

Journeying with other couples

Since 2024, Ms Chew Wai Yee and Mr David Lang have been volunteer mentors in the Journey with You (JoY) programme.

Organised by the Registry of Marriages (ROM) and the Families for Life Council, JoY is a free programme for newlyweds through their first year of marriage.

The goal: To support them through the challenges of being partners as well as to celebrate their successes along the way.

Under the scheme, JoY pairs some 230 marriage mentors like them with mentee couples. JoY mentors undergo a three-hour training session – either in person or online – and are equipped with a resource kit to facilitate their sessions.

Mentors and mentees meet or check in four times in that year to discuss relationship developments or issues.

The mentorship is free for couples who have registered or are planning to register their marriage with the ROM.

So far, Ms Chew and Mr Lang have met and journeyed with two other couples. With their consent, they arranged their check-ins as a three-couple support group.

For their mentee, Shin, 36, these sessions spurred her and her husband “to start conversations that (they) didn’t have before”.

The wedding photographer, who declined to give her surname, had been dating her spouse for over a decade before tying the knot.

She appreciates Mr Lang and Ms Chew’s willingness to talk about their own relationship struggles. That candour made her feel supported as she and her partner transitioned into a new life stage.

“Before, it (seemed) like we (were) just trying to figure it out by ourselves,” she says.

Visit

www.marriage.gov.sg/journey-with-you

In partnership with Families for Life and the Ministry of Social and Family Development