What a changed dating world means for girl dads

SINGAPORE – My buddies and I have a running joke: Those of us who have fathered girls will soon be shielding these darling daughters from boys like our younger selves.

Sure, we might laugh about it, but none of us actually find it funny. Instead, we’re rather terrified. We’ve been there and are only too familiar with the tricks our younger, philandering selves deployed to ensnare unsuspecting maidens.

Cat-calling. Dogged grovelling. And the G.O.A.T. of all maiden traps – polo T-shirts with the collar turned up.

Unsurprisingly, our amorous campaigns didn’t always pan out. When those attempts fell flat, we simply defaulted to Plan B – lying. We lied about our proclivity for romance; about our penchant for poetry; and about how that rain-kiss scene in 2004 romance film The Notebook doth lay claim to our hitherto steely hearts.

So I suppose it’s a kind of karma that this same cunning might be employed to persuade our own daughters once they come of dating age. And by “dating age”, I mean somewhere between 38 and 45, as properly stipulated by the Organisation of Men Against Immature Dating (OMAID).

This will, hopefully, give fathers sufficient time to school them in the sneaky, wily ways of men.

My daughter, JJ, is just nine this year, but I’ve already started drafting an instruction manual for that first date some 29 years later. You shall get home by 6pm; no bodily contact except for a limp two-second handshake; always wear baggy jeans with an oversized turtleneck sweater. And that’s just for the boy.

This laundry list of commandments is designed to defend modesty, protect chastity and basically ensure that nobody has a good time – because that’s not what dating should be about.

Some of you might think that I’m being ridiculous and impractical – and I couldn’t agree more. After researching modern dating norms, I’ve come to realise that these rules of mine are completely moot.

The terms of engagement have changed, as have the tricks up the turtlenecked sleeves of frisky young men.

Modern dating is a totally different beast as compared to the simpler, polo T-shirt time of yore – and it’s all thanks to this monstrosity called the internet.

Love, digitally

First, there is social media, the modern arena where prospective partners can interact with one another.

Back in the day, any such romantic outreach was done in person and face to face. If a girl in our immediate vicinity catches our eye, we’d express keen romantic interest with a manly sucking sound (“chut-chut”), accompanied by a synchronised upward flick of our heads.

Yes, it looks as silly as it sounds, but it was sincere. It required courage. When we put our vulnerable selves out there, risking a probable and humiliating failure, it had to be true love.

It is also true love because her haughty indifference leaves us unfazed. We then proceed to sidle towards her – and her coterie of giggling friends – our intentions fixed squarely on nothing but her most intimate asset: her phone number.

We’re about to impress her with our sartorial flair and silver tongue, but our best-laid plan is foiled by a stuttering jumble of consonants. (“Chut-chut. What’s your nelephone tumber?”)

Finally, our tenacity is rewarded with said phone “tumber”, and we anxiously dial those prized digits that very same night, only to have her father answer the phone. (“Tan I calk to your daughter... sir?”)

As you can imagine, it was always a really long shot.

But today, randy young men can skip this protracted dating ritual and instantly slide into her DMs. Shielded by the anonymity that social media affords, this digital mating call is low in humiliation risk, high in operational efficiency and, perhaps worst of all, completely invisible to the girl’s father. The same father who, by the way, is deeply distressed by the thought of boys sliding anywhere.

In addition, the internet is also the proud purveyor of modern dating apps like Tinder (not to be confused with Grindr, which I think is an e-shop selling sanding equipment to workmen who can’t spell).

Unlike IRC, the original text-based dating app, these modern matchmaking apps have reduced courtship to an infinite scroll of photogenic (read: AI-doctored) strangers on your mobile phone.

It’s very much a pageant line-up where guys respond viscerally to the way a girl looks and not much else, discounting her kind heart, her gentle nature and her father’s menacing collection of nunchucks.

A father figures

Courtship rituals in the internet age aren’t the only change that fathers need to rue. Even the way couples conduct themselves in a romantic setting is vastly different from before.

Once upon a time, after a period of getting to know each other, a boy and a girl might decide to “go steady”. This basically means that the committed couple is officially an item. But instead of progressing into a steady relationship, a modern couple might today drift into a “situationship”, which is a romantic relationship with no clear labels and no firm commitment to each other.

Fathers around the world are losing sleep, mainly because they are up all night guarding their daughters’ bedroom doors and maniacally monitoring their social media accounts 24/7.

But really, our job should be much more than just fending off rascals and screening for cads.

Research has shown that fathers play an important role when it comes to shaping their daughter’s perception of, and participation in, healthy romantic relationships.

A weak or hostile bond between father and daughter could impact a girl’s sense of self-worth, resulting in misguided expectations of romantic relationships.

Conversely, a strong and supportive bond will guide her positively when it comes to love, dating and marriage.

And really, that is all daddies want for their 38- to 45-year-old daughters.

• Raymond Goh is a father of a nine-year-old and an editorial director with SPH Media.