Sleepovers in a time of greater awareness and anxiety

UNITED STATES – Ms Brianna Michaud’s childhood in the 1990s was filled with sleepovers at friends’ houses. Her mother sometimes came inside the house and chatted with the parents for a few minutes, but sensitive topics such as bodily autonomy, gun safety or technology use – except for the rule that she not watch anything rated PG13 or higher – were not the kinds of things discussed.

“It was a different time,” said Ms Michaud, now 35.

It may come as no surprise that parents are experiencing more anxiety these days. There is an increased awareness of issues such as sexual abuse and gun violence, said parenting coach Christy Keating, who is based in the Seattle area.

Almost half of parents in the United States describe themselves as overprotective, according to Pew research published in 2023.

And perhaps no scenario tests a parent’s vigilance more than the prospect of allowing their child to sleep at another family’s home. For some parents, one solution to this is the “sleepunder” – also called a “lateover” – where children come to play, but do not stay to sleep.

Ms Qarniz F. Armstrong, a mother of three children aged 12, 14 and 20, has never allowed her children to spend a night away from her, even with other family members. She does, however, want her kids to have normal childhood experiences, so she has settled on letting them attend parties if she can bring them home at bedtime – even if that means 2am or 3am. Considering the alternative – saying no altogether – Ms Armstrong, who is 43 and lives in Murrieta, California, feels this is “a good compromise”.

Her oldest child, Mecca, has a different point of view. Although he believes his parents were looking out for his best interests, he said: “I was definitely feeling left out a lot.”

He remembers begging his mother for two hours when he was 15 to let him attend an overnight, but she said no. By that point, the invites had been drying up, and he “really did not want to be the one kid who had to go early”.

That was perhaps the hardest, loneliest part – not necessarily being picked up early, but being the only kid who was. “I would have felt better if other kids’ parents did the same thing,” he said.

Ms Armstrong estimates her children have probably done about 10 to 12 “lateovers” each. And she has a protocol she continues to follow.

First, she calls the parents to ask who is going to be there, whether they have guns and what they plan to do for the evening. She then goes inside at the drop-off, greeting the parents and anyone there. “I have to not care about what other people think of how I protect my kids,” she said.

Not all protective parents are picking their children up.

In March 2023, Ms Michaud hosted a “mummy-and-me sleepover” with another mother and two children at her house in Silverdale, Washington, before her family moved to San Diego. She considered it a great way to let her children, who are five and seven, and their friends spend the night together in a safe, familiar environment, she said.

It was also a good way to connect with another parent and not be hounded by her children. While the kids played with her family’s puppy, bounced around at the “glowstick dance party” and watched Sing 2 (2021), Ms Michaud got to slow down a bit and catch up with the other mother over a glass of wine.

“You get to have these adult conversations you don’t get otherwise,” she said.

But what do children potentially lose by not spending the night elsewhere? “Sleepovers are a pretty normative part of US kid culture,” said Ohio State University family psychology professor Sarah Schoppe-Sullivan. “And they give children an opportunity for real independence.”

In her experience, being exposed to different lifestyles and customs in her friends’ homes growing up inspired a lifelong passion for studying how families function and their ripple effects on society.

Sleepovers can be fun and beneficial for children, but parents get something out of it, too: a free night off from your child if they stay until morning. “It’s a great way to trade babysitting,” Ms Keating said. “And a great way for connecting with other families.”

The trick, Prof Schoppe-Sullivan said, is to try to strike a balance in which one is cautious but not overprotective. “Parents who are overly cautious” with sleepovers, she said, “are usually overly cautious of other things”, and that can cause anxiety problems for children who are forbidden to take age-appropriate risks and, therefore, build a healthy sense of resilience and autonomy.

Ms Dorina G., a 43-year-old mother in Los Angeles who was born in Iran and grew up in Sweden, has thrown about 12 sleepunders for her children, who are five and seven, and their friends and families. She loves them, not least of all because the adults get to mingle – sometimes over catered food, potlucks or in formal attire – until the kids’ movie wraps around 10pm, at which time everyone heads home for bed.

Ms Dorina, who asked that her last name be withheld for privacy, and her husband once hosted a parent-child sleepover in their backyard, where the fathers slept outside in tents with the kids, while the mothers retreated to the comfort of their beds.

For her and her family, traditional sleepovers will not be an option until her children are at least 13 or 14 years old, she said. Growing up in Sweden, she thoroughly enjoyed spending the night at other homes, but “knowing what we know now”, she said, her and her husband’s attitudes have changed.

“I’m much more of the worrywart mum.” NYTIMES