askST: What parents can do if their child is targeted by a bully or is a bully

SINGAPORE – Following the recent cases of school bullying, parents are seeking advice on how they can help if their child is targeted by a bully or bullying someone.

Here is timely advice from clinical psychologist Carol Balhetchet, who studied bullying at the Singapore Children’s Society, where she worked for more than 20 years.

This is excerpted from a story previously published in The Straits Times on Dec 2, 2024, titled “

What to do if your child is targeted by a bully”.

When your child is the bully

Parents may be tempted to dismiss the issue as just a little teasing or feel that it is natural for children to fight with one another. But they should look into the situation immediately.

Talk to your child to find out why he or she is bullying, but without any accusation or judgment. Often, children bully when they feel lonely, angry or insecure. Let your child know that name-calling, teasing, hitting, pushing, starting or spreading rumours, cyber bullying and all other forms of bullying are wrong.

Reassure your child that he or she is loved “no matter what”. Tell the child that the school or other parents have reported his or her aggressive behaviour, that the behaviour has to change, and that you support the school’s punishment and will not tolerate this behaviour.

Parents can help their child empathise with others by talking through what it feels like to be in the victim’s shoes.

Let your child know that you will help him or her to change the behaviour and correct the situation.

Ask the child how he or she thinks the bullying could stop. What does the child think has to change in order for him or her to change?

If the bullying is serious, seek professional help.

What if your child is being bullied

Parents are especially important in bully-proofing their children. They should regularly check how the kids are getting along with their schoolmates and friends, and if they face challenges, talk through solutions. It helps if your child is socially skilled, such as knowing how to make and maintain good friendships.

Parents can help their child research and practise strategies to deal with bullies. Ignoring the bully may not make it stop.

If your child is a target of cyber bullying, do not take his or her mobile phone away thinking that it will protect your child. Instead, help the child understand it is best not to respond online.

Parents should document the cyber bullying and contact the school to ask for help if it continues.

If a case is serious, for instance, because the incident becomes widely seen and shared, make a police report.