How a sudden family loss helped this daughter broach a ‘taboo’ topic with her mum

For Ms Seline Cai, 40, the sudden death of her uncle in April 2022 was a difficult lesson on the need for legacy planning.

“We didn’t know what he wanted, or what his plans were,” says Ms Cai, a principal industry training officer. “We tried asking him, but he was in a daze and couldn’t speak.”

Critical-stage heart disease had left her 74-year-old uncle breathless and unable to speak. He died the day he was hospitalised.

Estranged from his son and having lived alone, Ms Cai stepped in to help his Indonesian wife manage his affairs. His wife arrived in Singapore two days after his death.

The process took seven months. He left no will to guide Ms Cai on handling his three-room Housing Board (HDB) flat. Only a Central Provident Fund (CPF) nomination had been made in 2019, to state how his CPF savings should be distributed.

“There were just a lot of little things that needed to be handled,” Ms Cai says. “It was a really tough period of time.”

Spurred by calamity

The experience prompted Ms Cai – the eldest of two siblings – to broach the “taboo” topic of legacy planning with her mother, 74, later that year.

She focused on two key documents: A will and a Lasting Power of Attorney (LPA). The latter is a legal document that appoints a trusted person, or donee, to make decisions on her mother’s behalf should she lose the ability to decide for herself – either from medical conditions like dementia, or an accident.

“I told her ‘you see uncle passed away, a lot of things he never say, never tell us’ as a way to start,” says Ms Cai. “She was receptive as she saw the struggles I faced with her brother.”

She kept the conversation simple, highlighting practical considerations: “If you suddenly go into a coma, who will decide in terms of your medication? What will happen to your finances?”

Her mother is separated from her husband and lives alone in a two-room HDB flat near Ms Cai.

“We won’t know what to do,” Ms Cai says, “but with an LPA, you can appoint people to help you if something should happen.” Her mother eventually appointed her children as her donees.

Ms Cai helped to draft her mother’s LPA – and her own – using an online form on the MyLegacy@LifeSG portal (

go.gov.sg/planlegacytoday

).

The duo then certified their LPAs in February 2023 at the neighbourhood community club, which held an event to promote legacy planning, and offer LPA certification services.

The step is required to finalise one’s LPA before it can be submitted to the Office of the Public Guardian (OPG) via its online portal (

opg-eservice.msf.gov.sg

).

Certificate Issuers (CIs) can be medical practitioners accredited by the OPG, registered psychiatrists or practising lawyers, with fees ranging from $25 to $500. Appointments can be made with participating CIs at

go.gov.sg/lpa-ci

.

Ms Cai, who is a long-time grassroots volunteer, says that the event helped simplify the process. She engaged a lawyer to draft her mother’s will about two weeks later.

“The elderly may think that ‘this is too much, just explain and settle for me’”, she says. “So by helping her (through the process of making a will and LPA), it gave her less to do, and made it less confusing.”

It takes time

Ms Cai is now guiding her mother through what’s needed to make an Advance Care Plan (ACP). It would allow her mother to state her healthcare preferences, and appoint someone to communicate them to doctors and healthcare providers if she loses the ability to decide for herself.

While Ms Cai has not formally started the process, she has already introduced options to get her mother thinking about her preferences.

For example: “Depending on her condition, would she prefer a medically-trained person to care for her at home, or be placed in a community hospital?” Ms Cai asks.

To help her mother decide, Ms Cai shares her preferences and considerations, offering a different perspective.

While her uncle’s death helped to “speed up things”, Ms Cai is mindful not to rush her mother. “It’s a lengthy process, and choosing the right timing is important,” she says. “The broader message is getting her to think about her loved ones.

“It can be overwhelming when things happen, so (having an LPA and ACP) are ways to ease the burden for them.”

This is the final of a three-part series, produced in partnership with the Ministry of Social and Family Development, Public Service Division, Agency for Integrated Care and Ministry of Health