Good friends should build you up; they make you who you are

I was 14, sitting in the school hall. A group of us were chatting as it grew dark. 

We were on a school camp and had set up camp beds in the school hall. Perhaps it was the break from our normal school routine. Perhaps it was the strangeness of spending the night away from home or just the spontaneous chemistry of a few teenaged girls letting down their guard. We began to talk about our feelings and how we felt, really felt, about our families.

Out tumbled stories of being misunderstood, of not feeling like we were enough, of how our siblings were there or not there for us, and of how parents were too busy, or too stressed, or did not seem to care enough to give us the emotional support we wanted. 

People expect families to be happy places where parents are loving and supportive, and assume that home is a place of sanctuary, of safety and shelter. While that is true, for many people, it is not always true for all.

That afternoon, I felt liberated and oddly relieved.  I reflected in my diary afterwards: I’m not odd. My family isn’t so deficient. We all have issues in the family. 

As children, we expect our parents to be there for us whenever we need them. Realising that your parents are doing their best, but can fail to meet your needs, is a critical step towards emotional maturity as you start to see your parents as individuals in their own right, who cannot always give you what you need. 

Friendships are important in our psychosocial development as individuals. As children, we learn emotional safety, expression and regulation within the family. When we become teenagers, we form friendships outside the family – schoolmates, members of social groups we belong to, people with common interests, friends of friends. Such friendships offer us a mirror to see ourselves and to understand ourselves better. We learn to express emotions and vulnerabilities. We learn to affirm what others share. And when there is conflict, we learn how to negotiate differences and manage disagreements.

Adolescence is a tumultuous period, with pressures from school, hormonal changes in the body, peer pressure and social media expectations. Friendship groups may form, then fracture, and perhaps mend.

As we move from primary to secondary school, we may lose one set of friends to make another. When we move across classes and levels, we also form different groups of friends. The group you saw every day in Secondary 2 went on to different classes. You still hang out sometimes, but it feels different. That is all right, especially if you have a new group of friends in Secondary 3.

While many friendship groups fade over time as we move on to new interests, a few will remain steadfast over years and decades. 

The friends in one group I hang out with have known one another for 40 years. We were classmates in secondary school. Over the years, we got together to celebrate birthdays; then to share about our work stresses, then to talk about family and partners. These days, a lot of our conversation revolves around the challenges of caring for aged parents. 

Even though I have moved away from Singapore and live in Australia, a WhatsApp chat group links us. We share significant moments from our lives. We ask for advice and prayers. We get together a few times a year, often when I am back in Singapore to catch up with family and friends.

Another group of longstanding friends are travel mates. We made a milestone trip the year we turned 50, when we walked the Camino de Santiago in Spain, trekking 120km in the rainy season. Our friendship survived, indeed thrived, from the ordeal. We went on to hike in Japan, Iceland and Australia.

I have lived in different cities at different stages of my life, and have benefited from intercultural friendships. Friendships formed in our youth are excellent ways to explore our identity and get to know other cultures. Curiosity and respect help ease cultural tensions. As a student in England, I made friends with a girl from Lesotho, a small country in southern Africa. We teased each other about our looks, back in those days when it was still acceptable to do such things. “Can you really see out of those small eyes? Which hand am I raising now?” she asked, as she stood to my extreme left or right, waving her hand. I would say “Yes” and give the right answer, all with a smile. I would then gently pull out the curl in her hair and go: “This is so lovely and springy.” 

In Boston, America, where I did my master’s, I made friends with people from all over the world. The Mexican man who did not know how to use a washing machine but could run marathons. The man from Moldova who invited us for a meal with his wife who cooked for us and with his children who sang for us. The Latin Americans who invited us for an Argentinian barbeque with great food and wine, except that everything started after 9 pm. In return, I introduced them to char kway teow.

Friendships have seen me through ups and downs in life. When romantic relationships break down, it is friends I turn to, to dissect what went wrong, to laugh, to cry. In the long days of Covid-19 when I lived alone and worked remotely, I was fortunate to have friends to cycle with, to go for walks with around Singapore and to have meals with when the lockdown restrictions eased.

When I moved to Perth to start a new life at the age of 54, I had to learn to make friends again. I was fortunate to meet a group of Singaporean women around my age who had moved to Perth around the same time. They helped organise my wedding. We just got together to celebrate National Day.

Whether making friends at 15 or 50, I have found that some common characteristics are helpful. First, do not be shy about taking the initiative. Step up to say hello and introduce yourself. Offer to organise a get-together. 

Second, be curious about others. Ask questions. Remember what matters to them and bring it up. If they mention a new hobby or a holiday they are planning, ask about it next time. 

Third, be yourself. Friends are people who choose to hang out with you because they like you as you are. If one group doesn’t get you, don’t force yourself to become like them. Just accept that the vibe is wrong and move on. You will find others who like you as you are.

Fourth, make your friends a priority, not an afterthought. Set aside time for get-togethers and turn up. Some people ditch their friends when their partner or spouse calls. They socialise with family members only and decline invitations to attend friends’ gatherings. Over time, they will drop out of friendship groups. This is life. Our choices and actions, our time and effort, determine the strength of our relationships.

Friendships are important for our mental and emotional health because they help us feel that we matter. When friends listen to us and support us, we feel valued and heard. When we do the same for them, they also feel affirmed. When friends offer this caring circle of understanding to each other, they create a positive loop where everyone feels cared for and understood, even as we enjoy the feel-good effects of caring for and understanding others. To have good friends, we have to first learn to be one.