Fewer matchmade marriages in Singapore, but tradition endures in Indian community

SINGAPORE – Even in the age of dating apps and changing attitudes towards marriage, some parents here still take an active role in choosing spouses for their children. 

Arranged, or matchmade, marriages are far less common than a generation or two ago, but they have not disappeared. 

In particular, the practice persists in the Indian community – among both Muslims and Hindus – where parents often begin searching for a suitable partner once their children reach their 20s.

Muslim marriage solemnisers, community leaders and counsellors estimate that up to three in 10 Singaporean Indian-Muslim couples who wed recently were in matchmade marriages – down from at least half, a generation ago.

The falling proportion reflects a broader shift in attitudes as parents have become more accepting of their children finding their own partners.

Still, many Indian-Muslim parents have a deep-seated preference for someone who shares the same cultural, language and religious background as their child, said Mr Raja Mohamad, president of the Singapore Kadayanallur Muslim League, which describes itself as the largest Indian-Muslim organisation here. The group champions social welfare and cultural preservation, among other things.

These parental preferences ensure compatibility, and continuity of culture and traditional values, he said.

Mr Haja Navaz, founder of Sparkz Counselling, which provides marriage counselling, among other services, said parents often believe they are better placed to choose a suitable partner based on factors such as family lineage, social status and religious beliefs.

Mr Haja, who has counselled many Indian-Muslim individuals, said: “This is seen as a safeguard against what they see as their children’s immaturity, fearing that ‘blind love’ may lead to unsuitable matches.”

Mr Naseef Khamis, a senior social worker at Malay/Muslim organisation PPIS, said the familiarity and trust between the families and the potential partner can be a key factor behind these unions.

He said: “Marriage is also viewed as a means of strengthening kinship ties. For those marrying within extended families, it can serve to bring the wider family closer together.”

Ustaz Mohammed Nazim Rahuma Dulla, who solemnises about 100 to 120 marriages a year, estimates that 10 per cent to 15 per cent of the couples he marries these days are matchmade. He is a freelance Islamic educator and a kadi, a religious official who solemnises Muslim marriages.

Besides Ustaz Nazim, others interviewed by The Straits Times said the figure is significantly higher among newer immigrants from India, where arranged marriages remain the norm. 

They estimate that up to 80 per cent of Indian Muslims who have moved to Singapore are in such unions.

Dr Mathew Mathews, principal research fellow at the Institute of Policy Studies, said newcomers tend to follow the social norms they were raised with.

He said studies have also shown that young adults in South Asia still value arranged marriages, which they associate with greater marital longevity.

Finding a match

Within the Indian-Muslim community, parents typically turn to relatives, friends and informal matchmakers known as “aunties” to help identify potential partners.

These “aunties” are trusted figures with wide social networks, said Mr Raja.

Beyond shared faith and ethnicity – and sometimes even a home town – families tend to look for a match with comparable or higher educational qualifications, earning potential and family background.

Character also matters.

Mr Naseef said traits such as being hard-working, family-oriented and kind, and maintaining strong ties with the extended families, are valued.

When a potential match is identified, the couple usually meet for the first time in the presence of their families. But they have a say in the decision and are given time to get to know each other better before deciding whether to marry, said those interviewed.

The length of time they spend getting to know each another also varies. Mr Haja has seen couples who marry after a month, while others take up to two years.

More traditional families may encourage their children to marry more quickly to avoid gossip or premarital relationships, he said.

Turning to the professionals

Among the Hindus, some families turn to professional matchmakers.

Mr M. Govindaraju, who founded MaGo Family Services in 1996 and mainly serves the Tamil-Hindu community, said most of his clients are parents of unmarried adults in their mid-20s to mid-30s.

“Some parents feel it reflects badly on them if their children are not married,” he said, describing the strong desire among parents to see their children marry and have children.

Ms Meenachi Suppiah, who runs Singapore Indians Matrimonial, said about 80 per cent of her clients are parents or family elders. Some of the children they are seeking matches for have already tried dating apps without success.

Both matchmakers said demand for their services has declined over time, as younger Singaporeans increasingly find partners on their own or remain single.

“The fear of staying single is vanishing,” said Ms Meenachi. “People don’t want to rock their boat; they say there are so many divorces in Singapore.”

Even so, clients tend to prioritise matches with similar or better education levels, career prospects, shared interests and lifestyle compatibility.

“Looks are also a top priority,” she added.

The matchmakers facilitate introductions, but whether the relationship progresses depends on the individuals involved.

Ms Meenachi said she has an average of five to seven clients a month, and considers it a good year if seven couples end up marrying.

Changing norms

Arranged marriages were once common in Singapore, including among the Chinese until the 1950s, but today, the practice takes place largely within the Indian community.

Dr Mathews said societal changes, such as higher education levels and more women joining the workforce, have given individuals more opportunities and autonomy to find partners. 

He said that unlike the Indian diaspora in Singapore or in the case of South Asia, where preserving cultural and religious groups remains highly valued, such considerations carry a lot less weight among the Chinese.

For many couples, love in an arranged marriage develops over time as they get to know each other, said Ustaz Nazim, who speaks from experience.

The 44-year-old was introduced to his wife, who is a year younger than him, by his godmother when both the young adults were pursuing Islamic studies at university.

“I was looking for someone with the same values, priorities and direction in life,” he said. “I prayed for Allah’s guidance, and I found that everything went smoothly.”

The couple got engaged just two weeks after their first meeting. 

During their two-year engagement – while he was studying in Indonesia and she in Egypt – they got to know each other better through calls and messages, and met a few times in person.

Now married for nearly 20 years, they have an 18-year-old son.

Ustaz Nazim said that regardless of how a couple meet, what is important is that they learn to understand, communicate and work out differences together. 

Mr Haja echoed this view. He said both love marriages, where couples find their spouses, and arranged marriages come with their own challenges.

He said: “At the end of the day, it’s the mindset that makes a marriage work – when they decide to work through problems and live with their spouse, no matter what happens.”