Dover Park Hospice brings families together to grieve and heal in memorial service for its patients

SINGAPORE – Retired civil servant Lisa Ng lost her father to dementia even before he died.

Mr Simon Ng, a retired businessman who died at the age of 87 on Jan 23, was diagnosed with stage-four dementia in 2020.

He struggled with heart failure and possibly liver cancer in the last two years of his life.

The family chose not to have Mr Ng undergo a biopsy to detect potential cancer because of his age, and to allow him to live out his remaining years as normally as he could.

“He was already gone before we physically lost him... His dementia had already taken the person I once knew as dad,” Ms Ng told The Straits Times.

“So the grieving process actually started a while back before he passed away this year.”

On Aug 3, Ms Ng attended Rose for Remembrance, a memorial service to honour and commemorate the 920 patients of Dover Park Hospice who died between April 2023 and March 2024.

The annual event was held at the Ng Teng Fong Centre for Healthcare Innovation, with close to 120 family members mourning the ones they had lost.

They created “memory jars” containing one of three calming scents specially blended to evoke cherished memories of their loved ones.

The glass jars represented safe containers for their memories and feelings, while each crystal they put inside the jars represented a memory of the loved one.

Finally, a rose, which symbolised love for the departed, was placed in each jar.

Family members were encouraged to pen messages to their loved ones or themselves and slot them into the jars, which were then illuminated from the base with LED light, as the room lights were switched off.

This was followed by a minute’s silence as some of the bereaved wiped away their tears.

Since its inception in 2003, the memorial event has helped families cope with the loss of their loved ones.

The scented memory jar workshop at the event was led by the hospice’s psychosocial services.

Ms Martha Ng, Dover Park Hospice’s head of social work and psychosocial services, said memorial services play a crucial role in the grieving process and in honouring the memory of those who died.

“They are also a time when a community of people are brought together to offer support and comfort to one another, thus reinforcing collective coping,” she said.

“This collective coping is a powerful tool in our healing journey.”

The memorial service allowed the participants to come together to have a multisensory experience in a safe space for them to remember their loved ones, she said.

She added: “Through scent, sound and touch, participants could more deeply connect with themselves as each sense evokes various memories, emotions and thoughts.”

For Ms Lisa Ng, who attended the event with her husband, son and mother, there are two versions of her father in her memories – one before dementia and one after.

“The pre-dementia dad was a man loyal to a fault. And he was also strong on filial piety,” she said.

“The post-dementia dad was more like a little child. At times, he threw temper tantrums and at other times, he was well behaved.”

Quietly crying throughout the exercise, Ms Ng said she transferred her bottled-up emotions into the jar, which she will put in her father’s room.

“We will just learn to sit with the grief and get used to him not being here any more, and to expect the occasional overwhelming wave of emotions,” she said.

“That is normal because we miss him, and I do take comfort that he is in a better place.”