When sexual assault victims are accused of lying by their own families

SINGAPORE – When Amy (not her real name) was four years old, she was sexually assaulted by her 12-year-old brother in their flat while their mother was at work.

Amy told their mother about the abuse, but the woman brushed her aside and told her to keep quiet.

Worried that she would be a burden to their mother, who was struggling to make ends meet after their father’s sudden death, Amy tolerated the sexual attacks for 10 years.

Her brother stopped assaulting her only after he got married and moved out.

Amy is now in her 50s.

When her brother died of cancer in 2023, she could finally tell others what happened to her.

She is currently undergoing counselling, and her case was recounted to The Straits Times by Dr John Shepherd Lim, chief well-being officer of the Singapore Counselling Centre.

Dr Lim said Amy never reported the abuse to the police.

He said: “When a victim finally speaks to someone they trust about being sexually abused, but is told they are lying or gets brushed aside, it can sometimes hurt more than the assault itself.

“When someone finally says, ‘I was assaulted’, they’re not seeking drama. They’re finally unloading the burden of something that has been eating at them, sometimes for years.”

In recent years, there have been several reported cases where sexual assault victims were accused of lying when they spoke up. Two such cases were heard in the High Court in January.

One of them involved a 53-year-old man who sexually assaulted his girlfriend’s daughter when she was between 10 and 11 years old. The girl told her mother, but the woman did not believe her when the man denied the allegations, and the abuse continued.

In the second case, a girl was raped by her older cousin at his home when she was between eight and 10 years old. His parents and the girl’s grandmother accused her of lying when she spoke up.

In January, the perpetrators were convicted of sexual assault by penetration, among other charges, and are expected to be sentenced in the coming months.

In another case, a girl who was sexually abused by her four older brothers had a similar experience, with her mother directing her anger and disappointment at her after she reported the sexual assault to the school authorities.

The mother also blamed the girl, who was eight to 12 years old when she was assaulted, for destroying her brothers’ futures.

All four brothers have been sentenced, with the oldest brother getting the harshest sentence of 20 years’ jail and 24 strokes of the cane after admitting to eight charges of aggravated sexual assault by penetration.

Dr Sara Delia Menon, a clinical psychologist at Alliance Counselling, said some common unhelpful responses family members may have when victims disclose that they have been sexually assaulted include blaming the victim, minimising the severity of such actions, and normalising them.

For example, they could fault the victim’s attire or behaviour, or tell them “it happens, you just have to get over it”, she said.

When a parent dismisses a child’s claims of having been sexually assaulted, it can create a sense of betrayal and hurt, and even cause victims to second-guess their reality and feelings, added Dr Menon.

“It can be very dangerous because they’re already in a vulnerable position, so they start to question if they have done anything wrong, or if they should have done anything differently,” she said.

‘Not molestation, but fatherly love’

In a case recounted by Ms Ruth Ng, senior manager and principal social worker at Aware’s Sexual Assault Care Centre, an 11-year-old girl was molested by her mother’s boyfriend, with whom she lived.

“When the girl told her mum, her mum didn’t believe her. She told her daughter it was probably fatherly love and not molestation. The mum just could not accept the fact that her boyfriend would molest her daughter,” she said.

The girl eventually told a school counsellor and the police were alerted, added Ms Ng.

Ms Shannon Ong, a senior social worker at Fei Yue Family Service Centre, said disbelieving victims’ accounts can cause them to think that no one in their family can be trusted. “It becomes a narrative that they hold on to, even into adulthood,” she said.

She added that these victims could develop other mental health issues that could lead to self-harm and suicidal ideation.

However, Ms Ng noted that such situations are more complex than they may seem.

“From a mother’s standpoint, believing her child that she was sexually abused by a close family member could be seen as breaking up the family,” she said.

“While it is not an excuse, a mother could herself be a victim of the man’s violence, or be financially dependent on the perpetrator.”

What to do

So, what should you do when someone says she has been sexually assaulted?

Ms Ng said: “The first thing to establish is the immediate safety of the victim. Show empathy and don’t go into investigative mode in trying to find out what happened.”

Urging those supporting sexual abuse victims to get help too, she added: “The impact and burden on them can be a lot when they listen to the raw details and suffering of the victim.”

Dr Lim said family members should remind themselves to listen to the victims without showing signs of disdain, disbelief or judgment. “The victims aren’t just facing trauma from the abuse. They can be facing loss of belonging in the family, especially if they are accused of breaking up the family,” he said.

Dr Menon said people can sometimes struggle with hearing that their loved ones have been sexually abused. “It’s like a hot potato handed to them, and they feel the burden of doing something with it,” she said.

Instead of thinking about the next steps, it is more important to validate the individual by listening to them and believing their experience, said Dr Menon.

Family members should also separate their emotional reactions from the news itself.

Dr Menon said: “It’s normal for family members to have strong feelings (about the sexual assault), but don’t dump that onto the victim, who is already having a hard time.”

Ms Ong said that if family members are unsure of what to do, they can approach social workers or counsellors for support.

“By keeping quiet, there could be other repercussions that will be a lot more painful and confusing for the family,” she said.

Even if the sexual assault has stopped, family members are encouraged to report past incidents to the police.

“Because the perpetrator might be abusing someone else,” she said.