Why hitting doesn’t teach, and what parents can do to discipline children instead

SINGAPORE - The mother was tired of fighting with her 12-year-old son over his phone use, which had affected his studies.

This time, instead of another shouting match, she followed the advice of accredited family life educator Josephine Loh: to reason with the boy.

The mother listened calmly to his perspective, acknowledged his feelings and frustrations, and asked him to come up with ways to reduce his phone use that would address her concerns while meeting his needs.

His response surprised her.

Instead of shouting back or walking away, as he usually did, her son listened. His behaviour also began to change.

“The boy felt his mother was finally listening to him,” said Loh, senior manager of training and development at Morning Star Community Services.

“By weighing the consequences and the pros and cons with her son, this helped him to be more accountable for his behaviour and decisions.”

This episode reflects a broader shift in how some parents think about discipline.

While many still rely on physical discipline, experts say such methods may stop unwanted behaviour in the moment, but often fail to teach children why their actions were wrong.

In fact, physical punishment can hinder learning, as the fear and distress children experience when they are hit activates the part of the brain that blocks learning and thinking, said Charlene Fu, head of the research unit at Singapore Children’s Society.

As part of a new Singapore study, researchers found that mothers who were physically punished as children are more likely to view such punishment positively. 

Many believe that caning or hitting would motivate children to perform better in school or prevent them from becoming spoilt. Such beliefs drive them to discipline their children physically, said the study’s main researcher Germaine Tng, a research fellow at Nanyang Technological University.

The study also found that adolescent boys were physically punished by their fathers twice as often as girls of the same age, reflecting the belief that boys need more forceful discipline.

Can teenagers be reasoned with?

As children grow, experts say parents should change the way they discipline them.

Adolescence is a period when young people are developing their independence and sense of identity, making them especially sensitive to emotions such as shame and humiliation, said Vicknesan Jeyan Marimuttu, head of the Department of Psychological Medicine at KK Women’s and Children’s Hospital (KKH).

Physical punishment can hurt the parent-child relationship and reinforce the idea that force is an acceptable way to resolve conflict. Marimuttu said that for boys in particular, being hit repeatedly may also make it harder for them to trust others or open up about problems they are facing, allowing deeper issues to go unnoticed.

Experts said that teenagers are capable of understanding and discussing consequences.

Poh Chai Hong, principal medical social worker at KKH’s Department of Psychological Medicine, said parents should help teens reflect on their behaviour and work together on solutions, rather than shouting, threatening or hitting them.

“Teenagers are more likely to seek support and guidance from their parents when they feel heard, understood and accepted, rather than judged or immediately corrected,” she said.

Primary schoolchildren, too, are able to understand rules, consequences and how their actions affect others.

This makes it a good time for parents to explain why certain behaviour is unacceptable and guide children towards better ways of responding in similar situations, said Fu.

Helen Chen, senior consultant at KKH’s Department of Psychological Medicine, said strategies such as temporarily reducing screen time or withholding preferred activities can help primary school pupils learn.

The key is explaining why the consequence is being imposed, said Chen, one of the researchers in the study. This is so children understand the connection between their behaviour and the discipline.

She added: “For young children, a hug always helps to reassure them that mummy or daddy still loves them very much.”

Timing matters

Experts also stress that timing matters when it comes to discipline. Children can learn only when they are calm and not overwhelmed by fear or anger.

Fu recommends the “3R” approach: regulate, relate and reason.

First, help the child regulate their emotions and calm down. When children are highly distressed, their brains enter “fight, flight or freeze” mode, making learning difficult, she said.

Next, relate by listening and showing empathy, creating a safe space for them to share what they are experiencing.

Only then should parents reason with the child and work through the problem together.

If the relationship has been strained, parents should also make an effort to repair it, Fu added.

She said it is critical that parents repair the relationship with their children to help the latter feel safe and connected, adding that parents should apologise if there is a need to.

The experts acknowledge that parenting is challenging, but what matters is also resisting the impulse to react and discipline the child in the heat of the moment.

Loh said many parents may believe they can control themselves when they hit their child, but situations can escalate quickly. 

“You can ask parents how many times do you have to cane your child, and they would tell you many times. But are you teaching your child to problem-solve and make decisions (by caning)?”