S’pore wants more babies, so why do stereotypes about big families persist?

SINGAPORE – When she was expecting her fourth child, Hong was often asked this question by family and friends: “Not enough, ah?”

By the time she was pregnant with her sixth, the questions and comments had become all too familiar.

“You don’t have a TV in your bedroom?” a close relative quipped, implying that she and her husband, a sales consultant, could find another way to pass their time.

Hong, who is in her late 30s and runs an online marketing business, said: “Because we are an outlier (with our number of children), people wonder if we are okay, and if we know how to do family planning.”

To her, such remarks are more than casual banter. They point to a deeper fascination or unease – depending on how one looks at it – over families that fall outside the norm.

“It becomes like a spectator sport when you have so many kids,” said the mother of six children aged between two and 14, referring to the questions she gets about her family size.

Like Hong, many other parents of large families recount similar reactions from family, friends and strangers.

The bewilderment directed at large families is rarely just about the number of children itself. It reflects a broader belief that having more children means giving each one less – less time and attention, and fewer resources and opportunities.

Hong says the sting in such comments is clear – that couples with many children are irresponsible, and that with finite resources, they are inevitably short-changing their children.

This assumption is worth questioning.

If Singapore truly hopes to encourage people to have more children, we need to talk about the beliefs and values that underpin such views.

Policies, incentives and measures to promote families matter. But so do the stories we tell ourselves about what makes “good parenting” and an ideal family size.

If couples feel judged for having “too many” children, these social norms can weigh just as heavily as the costs involved in raising larger families.

These beliefs also raise deeper questions about how society understands quality of life and success, and what we think children really need to thrive.

Have we come to equate good parenting with simply higher levels of investment – be it monetary resources or attention – for each child?

Associating large families with lack

This writer recently interviewed couples with five or more children, as the share of births of fifth and subsequent children edged up despite the falling total fertility rate and shrinking family sizes.

Among babies born in 2025, 2.1 per cent are their families’ fifth or later child, up from 1.5 per cent in 2005. 

One thing was consistent: Many Singaporeans are befuddled that these couples chose to have five, six or even more children.

A common assumption is that couples with many children must either be very poor or very rich, said freelance writer Kelly Ang, 38, who is expecting her sixth child. 

The possibility that they are middle-class families with different priorities, beliefs and values may not register with many Singaporeans, who are so used to the two-child norm.

Ang, who is married to a teacher, said: “It seems like a numbers game in Singapore, like the number of children you have is tied to the numbers in your bank account. 

“It’s tied up with how we view success – like if we can give a certain number of opportunities for our children to better themselves, that is seen as being a good parent.”

Ang, who has previously written about her family size and multiple miscarriages, has stopped reading online comments as the negativity had affected her.

Netizens called her and her husband irresponsible, and some assumed their older children must care for their younger siblings and miss out on their childhood.

Ang said: “I felt sad and indignant. I don’t understand why people would say such negative stuff when it’s not like I’m going around asking for handouts.”

Some of the unease surrounding large families appears to stem from historical baggage. 

In pre-independence Singapore, many couples had more mouths to feed than they could afford, making large families synonymous with economic hardship.

That association lingers among some groups today. 

Older Singaporeans may still equate having many children with poverty and lack.

Many of the millennials and Gen X parents now in their 30s to 50s grew up in the “Stop at Two” era, amid years of messaging that children are expensive and having fewer of them means giving each child a better life. 

Over time, many may have internalised the idea that there is a socially acceptable number of children to have if one is to be a responsible parent who can provide each child with enough time, attention and resources.

Outdated stereotypes and prejudices

Persistent stereotypes continue to surround large families. They are often assumed to consist of lower-educated and poor couples who depend on government financial aid to get by. 

Such perceptions, even if they do not reflect the realities of many large middle-class families now, continue to shape public attitudes and reinforce long-held prejudices. 

To be clear, things are changing.

Fewer women with lower education have large families.

According to the Report on Registration of Births and Deaths, the share of mothers with secondary or lower education with five or more children fell significantly in the past 30 years.

About nine in 10 mothers who gave birth to their fifth or subsequent child in 1994 had secondary or lower education.

In 2024, this figure fell to about two in three mothers, according to the latest report published by the Immigration and Checkpoints Authority. 

Large families are becoming more socio-economically diverse than many may realise.

If Singapore hopes to spur more couples to have large families, outdated assumptions about those who choose to have more children have to be challenged.

Much has been said about young Singaporeans delaying parenthood, having fewer children or choosing not to have any, amid the resident total fertility rate hitting a record low of 0.87 in 2025.

That year, the Government even introduced the Large Families Scheme to encourage couples to have baby No. 3 and beyond.

Under the scheme, families get up to $16,000 in additional benefits for every third and subsequent Singaporean child born on or after Feb 18, 2025.

The challenges of parenthood are well documented, from financial pressures and career sacrifices to the personal trade-offs involved.

Those are real concerns that deserve attention, and a work group set up to study issues surrounding marriage and parenthood will seek to understand them.

But what often receives less attention is what one gains in parenting, which is harder to articulate.

From my interviews with them, parents spoke about the love and joy they share in the family and the close bond between the siblings. And even the wonder of realising that parental love is not finite, and can expand with each child they have.

Perhaps the experiences of these larger families are a reminder that good parenting is not simply measured by how much one can provide.

Children are shaped not only by the resources invested in them, but also by the love and security they feel in their growing years, the values they learn and the experiences they have in life.

Whether a couple chooses to have one child or five is an intensely personal decision. It should not automatically invite assumptions or judgment about their finances, capabilities or parenting styles. 

As long as society continues to see large families through outdated lenses, we risk making those who choose a different path feel unheard, misunderstood and even marginalised. 

It’s time we change that.