Groups reach out to men grieving the loss of their loved ones

When it comes to the pain of losing a spouse, men often grieve alone and in silence.

Viriya Grief Support Services wanted to start its first support group for widowers in August, where members share their experiences and discuss topics relevant to them. But only one man signed up, and the group - which needed at least three people to start - did not materialise.

Social service agency Viriya Community Services started Viriya Grief Support Services in 2019 to provide support to those who have lost a loved one. Asked why few men join bereavement support groups, a spokesman said: "The expression of emotions may be viewed as a form of weakness or irrelevant to some individuals. Men do grieve emotionally, but it may not be outwardly."

The issue of grief faced by widowers was discussed at an event on Sept 23, where two widowers shared their experiences in an online talk. The Tapestries Of Grief, organised by Grief Matters, featured more than 20 free talks and events centred on the topic of grief and loss. Grief Matters, set up in 2019 by social service agency Montfort Care, provides bereavement support. Ms Chee Wai Yee, senior director of Grief Matters, said: "We wanted to give widowers a voice - to give them the spotlight and some visibility."

Compared with support services for widows, Ms Chee noted there is a lack of support specifically for widowers.

Mr Edwin Lim, executive director of Wicare Support Group, a charity that provides counselling and other support for widows, said this could be due to the fact that few widowers seek help.

In the past two years, about 10 men have received counselling or other help at Wicare. Grief Matters and Viriya Grief Support Services both provide individual counselling to widowers, although more women seek such support. For each widower it counsels, Grief Matters sees two widows.

Ms Chee said: "Some want a quick fix to their grief. I have had widowers who tell me to help them get rid of their grief as they have to get back to work."

Mr Lim said the lack of awareness of bereavement support services and fear of being judged to be vulnerable could be reasons why fewer widowers seek help.

"I think most men want to be seen as courageous, strong, independent and stable, especially in the face of personal challenges such as loss, grief and sadness.

"Social expectations also shape how men handle their emotions. They either suppress their emotions or don't show much emotion," he added.

Take, for example, a widower in his 60s who sought counselling at Viriya Grief Support Services after his wife died from an illness.

The Viriya spokesman said: "Through counselling, we validated his grief and concerns and provided him a safe space to express his pain. Like the clients we see, they experience the people around them urging them to move on, but this is not helpful."

Last year, Grief Matters started its first support group for widowers, where five or six men in their 30s to 50s came together.

Viriya Grief Support Services runs support groups for anyone who has lost a loved one, and a few widowers have joined. Its spokesman said: "Regardless of gender, everyone's grief needs to be acknowledged."

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WHERE TO GET SUPPORT

• Grief Matters, call 8181-0448

• Viriya Grief Support Services, call 6256-1311

• Wicare, call 6354-2475 or send a WhatsApp message to 9616-5091