askST: How can I help my child if he is targeted by a bully or is a bully?

SINGAPORE – Following recent incidents of school bullying, several parents wrote in to ST to ask for advice on how they can help their children if they are targeted by a bully or bullying someone. ST Smart Parenting asked clinical psychologist Carol Balhetchet for advice on how parents can help.

What counts as bullying? I was shocked and upset when my 11-year-old daughter was accused of bullying by her classmate’s parents. She had a falling-out with a girl in her close-knit group and after that refused to include the girl in the group. 

Bullying is a distinctive pattern of repeatedly and deliberately harming and humiliating others, specifically those who are smaller, weaker or in any way more vulnerable than the bully.

It can take many forms, including name-calling and making fun of others, online or cyberbullying, as well as physical ones. And, yes, deliberately excluding another child repeatedly is bullying and so is spreading rumours about someone.

Girls are just as likely as boys to be bullies. But they are far less likely to engage in physical bullying, and instead hurt others by damaging or manipulating their relationships, said Dr Carol Balhetchet, who studied bullying at the Singapore Children’s Society where she worked for over 20 years.

They may spread false rumours about someone, tell others to stop liking someone in order to get even with him or her, engage in social exclusion, threaten to withdraw a friendship or give someone the silent treatment.

I was recently horrified to find out that my child has been bullying a classmate. It’s not a serious case of bullying, but bullying nevertheless. What should I do?

Dr Balhetchet said parents may be tempted to dismiss the issue as just a little teasing or feel that it is natural for children to fight with one another. But they should look into the situation immediately.

She advised: “Don’t treat bullying as a phase your child is going through. There are long-lasting effects on the bully as well.”

She said parents should first talk to their child to find out why he or she is bullying, but without any accusation or judgment.

“Often, children bully when they feel sad, angry, lonely or insecure. Sit down and have a conversation with your child. Let him or her know that name-calling, teasing, hitting, pushing, starting or spreading rumours, cyberbullying and all other forms of bullying are wrong,” she said.

Adding that parents should reassure their child that he or she is loved “no matter what”, she said: “Tell the child that the school or other parents have reported his or her aggressive behaviour, that the behaviour has to change, and that you support the school’s punishment and will not tolerate this behaviour.”

Parents can help their child empathise with others by talking through what it feels like to be in the victim’s shoes.

“Let your child know that you will help him or her to change the behaviour and correct the situation. Ask the child how he or she thinks the bullying could stop. What does the child think has to change in order for him or her to change?” said Dr Balhetchet.

If the bullying is serious, professional help may be needed, she added.

“Ask the school teacher or counsellor for advice on how you and your child can work through the problem and work with them.”

Is bullying a serious problem in Singapore?

The Ministry of Education’s figures show that since 2012, the number of such incidents reported each year to schools has remained low. About two cases per 1,000 primary school pupils and five incidents per 1,000 secondary school students are reported.

However, many cases go unreported.

A study conducted in 2006 by Singapore Children’s Society found that as many as one in four secondary school students was a victim of bullying, experiencing it at least twice a month over a span of one school year.

Males and females were just as likely to be bullied.

The study also showed that the two most common forms of bullying were verbal abuse and name-calling. The spreading of negative rumours about the victim was the third most common experience.

Singapore Children’s Society also surveyed bullying in primary schools a year later in 2007 and found that one in five primary school pupils surveyed was a victim of bullying.

One of my teen’s classmates was a victim of bullying on social media, where some rumours were spread about her. Is that cyberbullying?

As the social life of young people has moved onto the internet, cyberbullying is on the rise, with smartphones giving bullies constant access to their prey.

Cyberbullying can include spreading rumours or posting false information, sending harassing messages, posting compromising or manipulated pictures and posting private information about the victim.

Dr Balhetchet said: “The anonymity of cyberbullying removes many restraints and makes bullies even more mean.”

If your child is a target of cyberbullying, do not take his or her technology away. This is a frequent response by parents in an effort to protect their child. Instead, help the child understand it is best not to respond online.

Parents should document the cyberbullying and reach out to the school to ask for help if it continues. If it is a serious case, for instance, by becoming widely seen and shared, make a police report. 

What causes children to bully and why are some children targeted by bullies?

It is important to understand why someone bullies or why a particular child is targeted, as this gives parents and teachers a much better chance of stopping the behaviour.

Experts say children bully because it can be an effective way of getting what they want, at least in the short term, and because they lack the social skills to do so without harming others.

Bullying is also a way of establishing social dominance.

Bullies are often insecure, and exhibiting aggression can be a form of self-preservation. They may feel the need to dominate their peer group so that other children will look up to them.

Research has also shown that they may come from homes where they have witnessed abuse or dominance by one parent over another, which leads them to conclude that such behaviour is an appropriate way to get what they need. They themselves may be the victim of abuse or harsh, punitive behaviour by a parent.

Bullies often pick on kids because they are somehow different – they are too tall, too short, too fat, too skinny, do not wear the “right” clothes or just are not cool enough.

But bullies also pick on kids who are not so different from themselves.

Research has also found that victims can become bullies after being targeted.

What is the best defence against bullying?

The best defence is to be socially skilled, such as knowing how to make and maintain good friendships. Parents are especially important in bully-proofing their children – they should regularly check how they are getting along with their schoolmates and friends and, if they face challenges, talk through solutions.

Parents can help their child research and practise strategies to deal with bullies, as ignoring the bully or allowing the bullying to continue may not make it stop.

Children need to know to tell an adult if they are being bullied.

Dr Balhetchet also said it is important to help children develop empathy for victims by explaining to them the harms caused by bullying. Older children can also be taught positive conflict resolution skills, and be encouraged to step in and help if they see someone being bullied.

She said: “Often, students are victimised because they are socially isolated and have few, if any, friends. Teach your child to support the victims and strategise with them, perhaps by keeping them company – this may cause the bully to leave them alone. It may also give victims the courage to stand up for themselves.

“There are many things children can do to be active and involved when witnessing bullying incidents rather than being passive bystanders.”

Looking at some of the recent videos of school bullying incidents here, it looks like there are many students who witness the incident, but don’t do anything about it. What can be done to make them act?

A social phenomenon known as the bystander effect says that when a group of people watches something bad or someone being harmed, the feeling of responsibility is diffused and each individual simply thinks someone else will intervene or report the issue.

This often ends with no one taking action.

Students may not want to intervene as they may fear also becoming a victim of the bully or think it is none of their business.

But studies show that the most effective way of stopping a bully is to activate bystanders, said Dr Balhetchet. Since most children are witnesses to bullying at some point, teaching all children that they have an important role to play in stopping bullying is essential.

A bully may retaliate against one person who speaks up, but is not likely to target several.

There are many things children can do to stop the bullying and help the victim.

Both schools and parents need to create the right type of environment for students to be positive and active bystanders.

First, they need to know that bullying behaviour should not be ignored.

Second, they have the right to intervene if possible, while the bullying is occurring. In over half the incidents when someone does this, the bully stops.

Third, they can reach out to the victim to be a peer support or friend. Often, students are victimised because they are socially isolated and have few friends.