The Usual Place Podcast

Are young people in S’pore breaking up with dating apps?

Dating apps may not be working for younger people seeking a genuine connection.

Natasha Ann Zachariah

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SINGAPORE – Never have there been more dating apps available, but younger millennials and Gen Zers seem to be swiping left on using them to find love.

Through the news stories, commentaries and surveys, many of those looking to date say they are turned off by what dating apps have become. Some reasons for dating app disillusionment are users who ghost their matches, scammers and people who are looking for a quick hook up instead of a serious relationship.

Recently, a young woman here

captured the sentiment of why some of her peers were spurning the digital connection

in a personal column for The Straits Times.

“The human connection has become more important than ever, something easily lost when communicating on a screen to try and understand the person on the other end of the line,” wrote Larissa Santhana Nair, who works in communications.

In this episode of The Usual Place, I wanted to find out why there’s no love lost between young people and dating apps.

Bernice Fong, Dhareeni Shanmugam and John Lim are three under-30s who have had different experiences with dating apps and dating over the years.

In a recent video on TikTok, Bernice declared she was done with dating apps, having used them for about six years. The 28-year-old brand and marketing manager felt jaded and tired from swiping through and not quite finding the match she wanted.

Bernice Fong is done with dating apps, having been on them for six years. She said it was like having an addiction that brought about mindless swiping.
ST PHOTO: AZMI ATHNI

She would swipe, sometimes connect with a person, and then later develop feelings for him. But she said it usually did not work out.

“I got very tired and felt like ‘Why can’t I meet the right one?’ or ‘Why isn’t this person the right one or why am I not the success story?’” Bernice said.

“And that becomes a very (continual) process of getting in and out of dating apps.”

John, who runs a content agency, finds that with everyone having many options, he feels “like a piece of meat” – an experience the 28-year-old finds can be dehumanising.

He once went on a date with a woman he met on an app, who told him she was going for four dates a week. While he said it was a good date, he was not sure if he wanted to compete with others.

John, who writes articles on adulting for the website Live Young and Well, said: “It came to a point when you want to progress, then you start thinking, ‘Oh, actually, this person has other options.’ So you just feel like another option on the shelf.”

John Lim feels that dating app users have too much choice, and that everyone’s on the lookout for the next best match.
ST PHOTO: AZMI ATHNI

He quit dating apps after three weeks and has since committed to using dating services, which set up dates for him instead. He pays about $60 to $80 for each date.

To expand his connections, he sometimes takes a chance in real life. Once, at a networking event, he asked some women – whom he felt were interesting – out on dates. Even though the dates did not work out, he said asking people out in real life has helped him build up courage.

On why it is unlikely he will return to dating apps, he likened them to snacks: “They keep you filled, but never really satisfied. It’s like you move tantalisingly close to your goal of (finding) a life partner, but actually, you’re not getting closer or further away.”

“You’re not really moving,” he said.

To be fair to dating apps, it’s not all doom and gloom in the dating apps arena. Some have found love swiping right.

For 26-year-old Dhareeni, who works as an account executive for a public relations agency, stating her intentions from the beginning with those she matched with helped weed out those who were just looking for short-term relationships.

She was also particular about which app she used, deleting the ones where the matches did not appear to be “serious”. Dhareeni made it clear too on the app that she was dating with a view to marriage.

Dhareeni Shanmugam had to wade through dating apps to find love, but she has been successful at finding her forever partner. She made her intentions clear at the start and chose to use apps which had more serious members.
ST PHOTO: AZMI ATHNI

She was intrigued by a man on one of the apps who had a “niche preference”. He wrote on his profile that he cared a lot about fish.

What also caught her attention was the “cute way” he described his relationship status as being “adopted by the broken-hearted society”, which was his way of saying he had just got out of a long-term relationship.

The pair hit it off and found themselves talking till the wee hours of the morning. So they took it to the next level, which was going on their first date. They have now been dating for 2½ years and are looking to buy a house together.

I asked her if she had any advice to offer to young people who are still looking for love through such avenues.

“You’ve got to kiss many frogs to find your prince,” she said.

Whether or not they had ditched dating apps, I found a common thread between all three of my guests – which I share too, I confess. At the end of it all, be it on an app, through matchmaking or in real life, we’re still hopeful about finding love.

I’ll see you next week at The Usual Place,
Nat