Sumiko at 62: What to do when your ageing parents expect you to be their tech support 

One of the most challenging aspects of caring for my 90-year-old mother is being her tech support.

The irony is that I’m hardly a tech expert myself. Navigating the advanced formatting in a Word document still defeats me. Setting up a new printer is sure to ruin my day. 

But compared with her, I’m the expert. Because we live in the same house, I’m constantly on call to troubleshoot her latest tech woe.

My mother is a big sports fan and the ongoing football World Cup has been an especially testing time.

Televisions today come loaded with “smart” features such as streaming apps, voice control, endless menus and, somehow, two remote controls – one for the TV and the other for navigating the digital service we subscribe to from a telco.

Working out how to get to the World Cup channel without accidentally disappearing into an unwanted TV app was confusing enough for me, let alone for her.

After a week of repeated rescues whenever the channels went haywire — and several calls for reinforcements from my husband — my mother and I eventually settled on a system which has mostly worked.

“Mum, let’s call these Remote Control A and Remote Control B. Put Remote Control B aside for now. Switch on the TV using Remote Control A. Can you see this box on the left-hand side of the TV screen? Click this arrow on the control. Just one click. You will now see a white line around the box. That’s a good sign. Now click on this button on the control. Just once. Don’t keep stabbing it. Then put Remote Control A aside.

“Pick up Remote Control B. Press 2-5-1. Press very slowly. Gently. No need to use force. Wait a few seconds before you press the next number. Okay, you are inside the World Cup channel now. Don’t touch both remotes anymore. Enjoy the match.”

If my mother finds modern technology bewildering, she’s hardly alone, and there are good neurological reasons why navigating the digital world becomes more challenging with age.

Geriatrician Santhosh Kumar Seetharaman says the profile of the brain changes when it ages, and its “fluid abilities” gradually slow from midlife. This includes its ability to think on the spot, juggle several things at once and handle the unfamiliar.

“Embracing technology and its developments needs this ability to navigate,” says Seetharaman, a senior consultant who heads the Healthy Ageing Programme in Alexandra Hospital’s division of geriatric medicine.

But as the brain’s processing power slows and working memory tires, digital apps that require multiple steps are harder to navigate. Filtering out distractions also becomes more difficult, even as devices bombard users with pop-up messages.

The reason an older person might be able to remember events from 50 years ago but repeatedly forgets the steps needed to use a remote control is because “old memories are consolidated – rehearsed for a lifetime, stored in deep, robust networks”, says Seetharaman. 

“Learning the remote – if not already familiar – means forming a fresh memory of an arbitrary sequence, which relies on working memory, the part most vulnerable to ageing,” he says. “It’s like the old books that are shelved and easy to find; the new arrivals are still being sorted. Ageing affects the filing of new books far more than the retrieval of old ones.”

He says older adults learn best at their own pace, with fewer distractions and a clear structure. This, however, is not how most technology is built. “Technology can be abstract, constantly updating, and cryptic when it fails,” he notes.

This is why adapting to new technology is more challenging than, say, learning a new dance step. “A dance step can be mastered with effort but technology keeps evolving. Hence, you never quite get the confidence that comes from competence. That is genuinely demoralising, and it does bite harder with age.”

He adds that for most older adults, the real fear usually isn’t technology. It is about being scammed or losing money.

“Those concerns are well-founded, not irrational,” he says. “It builds slowly: every forgotten password, surprise update and near-miss with a scam leaves a deposit of self-doubt, until the person stops trying.”

As to why some older people are more digitally confident than others, the geriatrician says prior exposure and approach to technology affect confidence.

“The belief that one can figure it out predicts success better than any cognitive test,” Seetharaman says. Practical issues like a person’s eyesight, dexterity and the patience of family members helping with tech problems all shape confidence too.

“In my practice, the confident 80-year-old is rarely neurologically gifted. They simply had the exposure, the support and a reason to persist. Confidence predicts technology use far better than age.”

As to what one can do to maintain the ability to adapt to new technology, he says habits that protect the brain protect the ability to keep learning. Good lifestyle habits, managing cardiovascular risk, maintaining the fluidity of the brain by learning new things, adequate sleep, managing your vision and hearing, and having a social network and positive outlook on life will all help.

Confidence is empowerment

Sociologist Paulin Straughan says fear of technology can happen at any age and often depends on the support people receive as technology evolves.

A large part of older adults’ difficulties with technology stems from unfamiliarity and anxiety about getting things wrong, says Straughan, a professor and director of the Centre for Research on Successful Ageing (Rosa) at the Singapore Management University.

Many seniors struggle not because they are incapable of learning, but because they no longer have to. Unlike working adults who are required to keep up with new technology, retirees can choose non-digital alternatives. Each time they do, they get left behind further.

“Instead of redeeming CDC vouchers digitally, they may choose to collect physical copies from the community centre,” Straughan says. “At restaurants, they may prefer having a waiter take their order rather than scanning a QR code and placing the order themselves. Over time, these small choices can reduce opportunities to build confidence and familiarity with technology.”

Confidence, she says, comes from empowerment. “Those who have supportive friends and family members are more likely to venture freely in their exploration, and the more you use and play with that new tech toy, the more savvy you become.”

Straughan cautions that families can undermine older adults’ confidence by taking over too quickly. “Often, when we are impatient, we just do it for the older adult instead of spending time to explain and repeat the instructions.”

She urges family members to teach rather than fix. “Unless we can commit to always be there for the next software update, app change or forgotten password, it is worth investing in hands-on guidance that empowers our loved ones to be independent and savvy users of technology. The goal is not just to solve the immediate problem, but to build confidence for the next one.”

Repeated exposure helps build familiarity and confidence, while maintaining a mindset of curiosity and continuous learning is the best way to stay digitally confident, she says.

My mother’s experience bears this out. Unlike during the first week of the World Cup, there are now hardly any knocks on my door for help. She can nonchalantly navigate the remotes, settling herself into the match without a second thought.

Importance of design

Service providers say many of the challenges older adults face are about how technology is designed.

Age is only one factor influencing how comfortably people use technology, but not the defining one, says a spokesperson for telco StarHub, who notes that many seniors use digital services confidently.

Inquiries from older customers are usually less about technology than about adapting to change, such as reconnecting home Wi-Fi and devices, navigating updates to TV or mobile app interfaces, or determining whether a problem lies with a StarHub service or a third-party app.

“In many cases, customers are looking for reassurance as much as they are looking for a solution,” the spokesperson says.

Changes that disrupt familiar routines tend to create the most anxiety. Customers often worry about pressing the wrong button, deleting something important or accidentally disrupting a service they rely on.

User-friendly design that is clear and intuitive is one way of easing the trepidation that comes with coming to grips with the new and unfamiliar.

Older users are a key consideration when the Government Technology Agency (GovTech) designs digital services, says Miss Joy Ng, deputy director (usability and accessibility), government digital products.

Older users often make friction visible, she says. “If a form has too much jargon, or a button isn’t obvious, they’re the first to let us know.”

Designing with seniors in mind benefits younger users too. “Clearer language, fewer unnecessary steps and highly readable text are not only useful to older users, but also to younger ones trying to quickly complete a task on their phones,” says Miss Ng. “Good, inclusive design is universal.”

GovTech has a Smart Nation Ambassadors community which helps with product testing, focus group discussions, usability studies and co-creation sessions. It includes a fair proportion of those aged over 60.

One of those ambassadors, retiree Dennis Lim, 68, who used to work in software project management, says the difference between something that’s genuinely difficult and something that’s merely unfamiliar boils down to whether the design helps the user move forward with confidence.

“Opening a brand-new app for the first time is always an unfamiliar experience. But if the design does its job, it shouldn’t feel hard to use,” he says. “It should intuitively guide you to your next step without you having to overthink it or ask for help.” 

He cites the recently launched Singpass passkey, a feature designed to protect users against phishing scams, as an example of good design. “Many people, especially older users like me, may not have come across the concept before. But the setup was straightforward and only took a few seconds because the instructions were clear.”

Building digital confidence is a gradual process where every new skill learnt helps strengthen confidence for the next, says Douglas Goh, director of digital engagement and adoption at the Infocomm Media Development Authority.

He, too, reiterates how family members should avoid taking over whenever an older relative encounters a problem.

“Seniors gain the most confidence when they are empowered to learn and problem-solve on their own, rather than having tasks completed for them.” 

That rings true in my mother’s case. A decade ago, when she was 80, we persuaded her to switch to a smartphone. She was deeply resistant and was won over only by a smartphone case decorated with purple hydrangeas, her favourite flower.

It took months before she became comfortable with the phone, including how to use it like a phone and what it means to tap, flip and scroll. I focused on the fun features – camera, photo library, video calls and alarm clock – and got her to play around with them.

I installed apps I knew she would enjoy and could easily access herself, including Facebook, Instagram and later TikTok. I taught her to use WhatsApp so she could stay connected with friends from church and exchange birthday wishes and condolence messages. I reassured her that I would type the messages for her.

She still doesn’t use most of the phone’s features, but she no longer fears it and keeps it on her bedside table.

I remember waiting with her at an airport gate a few months after she got the phone. Without thinking, she reached into her handbag, pulled out her phone – just like everyone else – and started scrolling Facebook to kill time. 

I knew then that she had crossed a threshold. The phone was no longer a piece of scary technology. It had become a part of her everyday life.