Forum: Breaking the cycle of harm starts with us

Reading the article “Those who were hit as kids more likely to physically punish their own children” (June 23) was quietly heartbreaking. Not because it surprised me, but because it didn’t.

In my work – and life – I often hear, “I was hit and I turned out fine”, or “It made me stronger”. But if we’re honest, “fine” is often a mask for deeper wounds we were never allowed to name. And what we call strength may actually be the armour we learnt to wear too young. When an adult is hit, we call it an assault. When a child is hit, we call it an act of discipline. Why do we hold the smallest and most dependent among us to a lower standard of protection?

I believe most parents are doing the best they can with what they know. Many carry generational wounds they never chose, or even realise. Few intend to harm. But intent is not the same as impact. Physical punishment may bring short-term obedience, but it often comes at the cost of long-term trust, safety and connection.

Some believe “controlled caning” is acceptable if done calmly. I understand that reasoning. But for a child, it is still pain. Still fear. Calmness does not soften the blow to their sense of security.

What does hitting really teach a child? It teaches compliance rooted in fear. That power comes from pain. It may stop a behaviour, but it does not build understanding or resilience. It severs the very connection a child needs in order to grow.

Children carry our actions into adulthood. We parent the way we were parented – until we choose to do differently. Breaking the cycle starts with us – not just parents, but communities and society as a whole. It requires safe, supportive spaces where parents can unlearn old patterns without shame.

Change happens when connection comes before correction, when children are raised with boundaries and respect, without fear.
 
Hana Alhadad (Dr)