Forum: An ‘ick’ is sometimes fear in disguise

I refer to The Usual Place podcast “Have red flags and icks ruined the way we date in Singapore?” (June 4).

As a counsellor, I listened with interest because what gets called pickiness often has a less visible explanation underneath it.

Much of the commentary on dating here reads quick rejection as a flaw of character or of the apps. Too fussy. Too much choice. A generation that swipes away anyone who chews loudly. There is some truth in that but what I see in my work is usually something else.

For many people, the speed at which they find a reason to leave is not fussiness. It is self-protection. When someone learns early that closeness can hurt, the mind becomes very good at finding the exit before anyone can hurt them.

A small ick becomes a permitted reason to go. A red flag becomes a way to stay in control of how things end. It can look like having high standards. Often it is the fear of being truly known.

The opposite shows up too. Some people override every warning sign and stay far too long, giving up their own needs to keep someone close. Both come from the same root, an old learning about whether it is safe to depend on another person, playing out on a first date before the food has arrived.

Perhaps this is worth keeping in mind when we talk about dating here. When we put it all down to pickiness, or to the apps, we can miss what is really going on, and people are left feeling there is something wrong with them for a pattern they did not choose.

Allowing that there is often more to it than shallowness, that it can be self-protection, does not excuse anyone from showing up with courage. Instead, it gives them something kinder to work with than the feeling that they are the problem.

Dating apps did not invent the instinct to flee closeness. They only made it faster.

Tan Sok Kien