Forced to grow up too soon: The unseen plight of Singapore’s child caregivers

SINGAPORE – During his father’s final years, Mr Troy Lee MS De Silva, 20, overhauled his lifestyle.

His late father Mohd Shaffari Mohd Nor had heart and kidney problems, then a stroke in 2022, which led to him using a wheelchair. Mr De Silva and his younger sister Zara Umeria Mohd Shaffari, then 17 and 13 respectively, stepped up to help their mother care for their father.

The siblings bought meals, prepared coffee and watched over their dad when they were home. Mr De Silva also worked part-time as a waiter and cinema kiosk server so he could support himself on the earnings and bursaries he received.

Their mum Susannah De Silva, now 56, was the main caregiver and breadwinner. The operations executive at a market research firm worked mostly from home.

During his dad’s last illness, Mr De Silva, an ITE student, withdrew from an active social life. He stayed at home in case his father and family needed him, or left early when he went out with his friends.

As his father’s health declined, even small movements, such as hoisting him from his wheelchair to the sofa, became challenging. Mr Mohd Shaffari, a former security manager, fell down a couple of times a month. Only Mr De Silva was strong enough to lift him on his own; his mother and sister could not.

Mr De Silva says: “If he were to fall, at least I would be there to help. If anything serious came up, I would be there.

“There was one point when I hadn’t gone out with my friends for months because my dad was very weak. I had no mood; I would just do nothing inside my room. For those three years, I hardly went out, compared with during secondary school, when I was out late at night almost every day, and my friends would stay over. ”

His father died of a heart attack at age 58 in August 2025.

An ‘invisible concern’

A recent study by Income Insurance found that children of critically ill parents are forced to grow up too soon.

Announcing the Child Secure Project research study in November 2025, the insurer said in a press statement: “While critical illness is on the rise among Singaporeans, there is little documented data on how child caregivers are supported. Recognising this is an invisible social concern, Income Insurance sought to better understand how critical illness in parents affects children.”

The study, which involved Singaporean participants, comprised 100 parents diagnosed with a critical illness and 100 children of such patients, aged from 10 to 20. Cancer, heart attacks and strokes are common critical illnesses.

The report found that 82 per cent of the children surveyed had to take on adult responsibilities prematurely.

In this process of “parentification” – where children take on physical or emotional caregiving roles that are developmentally inappropriate – they perform tasks such as buying household essentials, taking care of their sick parent, accompanying the adult to medical appointments, and providing emotional support to parents or siblings. Some young people surveyed worked part-time to help their family financially.

Among the child participants, 73 per cent had to give up activities when their parent was diagnosed with a critical illness. About one in three in this group did so to take on caregiving duties.

Other key findings included how most children felt they had to stay strong for their family.

Nearly eight in 10 child participants experienced strong emotions such as fear, worry, sadness, stress or helplessness. However, the majority – two out of three – kept these feelings to themselves.

As a result, 29 per cent of them reported feeling isolated, as their peers could not relate to what they were going through. More than six in 10 children would have liked more emotional support.

The study casts a spotlight on how children’s struggles are often overlooked when a parent falls critically ill, with adults underestimating their offspring’s distress.

While 72 per cent of adults believed their children coped well, only 64 per cent of children agreed.

Income Insurance’s Child Secure Project, launched in June 2025, provides 10 counselling sessions for children of its Complete Life Secure policy holders diagnosed with a critical illness.

A free e-book by the insurer, Mummy Needs Me: The Diary Of A 13-year-old Caregiver, provides tips on how to support these children, such as allowing them to express their feelings without judgment. It is available on digital platforms like Google Play, Apple Books, Everand, Kobo and Vivlio.

Hidden identity

While the study highlights the plight of children with seriously ill parents, Mr De Silva and Zara’s experience suggests why this struggle often remains hidden.

Caring for their dying father, the siblings did not realise they were child caregivers until years later.

Ms De Silva says: “They didn’t know what they were doing was caregiving. I thought it was natural for them to help, and they also felt it was part of their duty.”

It was only in 2025, when his father was visibly weakening and needed his help more, that Mr De Silva began to understand the role he had automatically undertaken. “After my father died, I realised that I and, especially, my sister, had experienced life a little differently compared with other teenagers,” he reflects.

Zara, who turns 17 in 2026 and is waiting to enter polytechnic, gave their father emotional support, while Mr De Silva provided more physical caregiving.

Her father was more a best friend to her than a patriarchal figure. They talked all the time. She shared her world with him – school life, hockey matches, friendships and problems. She recalls how she pushed him in his wheelchair to a nearby provision shop to help him buy cigarettes even though he knew he should not be smoking.

She says: “I tried to make him feel less lonely because I felt so bad when the three of us were not at home.

“My friends could never understand what I was going through. When I realised that, I stopped telling them about my situation.

“I was really sad when he died, and I still am. No one can say the stuff my dad would say to me. I can talk to mummy about the same things, but it’s not the same.”