‘Shrekking’? Intelligence gaps? When did we get so cruel to our lovers?

It was only last summer that women declared they were looking for a man in finance, 6-5, blue eyes.

The goal posts appear to have shifted since then. Now, some social media users are extolling the virtues – with varying degrees of sincerity – of settling for a partner to whom they are not initially attracted. Such a person, the thinking goes, will ultimately treat you better than someone who is more obviously desirable.

The practice itself is not new, but “dating down” has traditionally been an unspoken strategy, or an external (and, to state the obvious, impolite) assessment of an unlikely pairing. This being 2025, however, the phenomenon has been freshly branded on social media, where it’s taken on a sharper edge.

In short, people have found a way to make dating down even meaner, using terms like “shrekking” or “intelligence-gap relationships” to describe what they see as mismatched romantic partners.

Ms Camila Cuesta has been down that road before. After several months with her ex-boyfriend, she concluded that dating men who are less attractive than her, which she said was not intentional on her part, was not a foolproof way to avoid foul play.

“It honestly ended up in a lot of cheating and disrespect,” she said in a phone interview, “so it has not been effective for me.”

Ms Cuesta, 26, who lives in Miami and works in health care administration, said that she and her ex met on social media and began dating in 2022. She quickly assessed that he was not her type: She likes tall, muscular men with hair; he was the opposite. Still, she wanted to try something different, so she gave him a chance based on his personality. Their relationship ended a little more than a year later, after what she described as constant betrayal.

“He probably thought to himself, ‘If I was able to have a relationship with this girl, I can pretty much just pull any other girl,’” Ms Cuesta said. “‘If this girl looks my way, any other girl would be easy to go for.’ And literally, that’s what he did.”

The term shrekking is inspired by the movie Shrek, in which an unsightly ogre proves himself to be more of a prince to a damsel in distress than literal prince charming. For whatever reason, the opposite of this arc has come to be known as “getting shrekked,” as in Ms Cuesta’s case, when the person for whom you lowered your standards still ends up hurting you.

Mr Kevin Shipley, a 40-year-old digital marketer in Baltimore, said he understood how the term shrekking could be hurtful, especially for those who might be insecure about their looks or worry that they’re being taken advantage of. But Mr Shipley said that, as someone who has been considered the less attractive person in past relationships, he was unfazed.

“I believe that I’m handsome,” he said. But he also recalls some ex-girlfriends who told him early on that he “was not their type physically.” “But after they got to know me,” he continued, “seeing my sense of humor, my intelligence and the fact that I was treating them nice, it caused them to want to date me.”

He also acknowledged that there was shallowness on both sides. Although he says he does not prioritise a women’s looks in dating and has good intentions, he admits that being with a beautiful woman makes him look better.

“I love the idea that sometimes when I’m with a certain type of woman, that people will look at us and say, ‘Oh, she’s way out of his league, how did he get her?’” he said.

Another ungenerous label that’s being applied to couplings today: “intelligence-gap relationship.” Perhaps one partner went to college and the other didn’t. Or maybe one is more knowledgeable about a particular topic (or across the board) than the other. While this dynamic may strike some as a form of dating down, others see room for nuance.

Many would agree that it is generally a good thing in dating to prioritise genuine emotional connection, shared values and personal compatibility over physical attractiveness. But dating down isn’t always a guarantee of long-term compatibility.

From his teenage years through his early 20s, Mr Ahmed Sherif, a recent university graduate in Toronto, was overweight, struggled with acne and did not have the best hairstyle, he said. When girls would date him, it was usually for his kind personality or sense of humor. When they would end things, it was usually because he wasn’t their physical type.

“I want that person to actually like me for who I am, and also, I don’t want them to feel like they’re not attracted to me,” Mr Sherif, 25, said. “That just makes me feel like you’re just using me.”

Since then, he’s become a regular in the gym, lost a lot of weight and found a haircut that works for him. He’s also been in a relationship for two years now, which, according to Sherif, is definitely not a “shrekking” situation. NYTIMES