Mothering beyond blood ties: Stepmothers, foster mums, adoptive mums and grandmas who make a difference

A mother's love is in the details, as these four women's stories show this Mother's Day. ST PHOTOS: GAVIN FOO, ARIFFIN JAMAR, RYAN CHIONG, GIN TAY

SINGAPORE – What makes a woman a mother? For most, it is the act of giving birth to new life. But for some women, mothering is an intentional embrace that extends beyond blood ties.

Take, for example, the stepmother who loves her instant children unequivocally, the adoptive mother who cradles the baby she could not have on her own, or the foster mother, who knows her time with a foster child is limited but gives her all.

There are also grandmothers, godmothers, aunts, older siblings and other mother figures who step in when the birth mother is unavailable and whose unconditional care and guidance are immeasurable.

According to the Singapore Department of Statistics, there were 5,521 remarriages in 2021, but the data does not indicate how many of these couples had children.

A Straits Times report in 2022 noted that adoption applications number around 400 a year, although this dropped during the pandemic. Some 541 children were in foster care in 2021, which has stayed constant over the years.

Raw numbers do not capture the essence of mothering, though, as these four women’s stories reveal this Mother’s Day. Love is in the details.

Mum of four’s ‘step of faith’ to foster three kids

Ms Tay Jin Li picks up the little boy and carries him on her hip with the adept nonchalance of a mother of four. He sneezes and she wipes away his mucus.

“He wasn’t well last night, so we had to carry him throughout,” says Ms Tay, 49, matter-of-factly.

The two-year-old is fully at home in her bustling household, but he is not her child.

She and her family have been fostering him since January. According to statistics from the Ministry of Social and Family Development (MSF), there were 541 children in foster care in 2021.

READ MORE HERE

Actress Aileen Tan is ‘world’s best mum’ to her stepson

A palm-size Forever Friends plush bear sits among Mediacorp actress Aileen Tan’s most treasured possessions. It has been her constant companion for almost 20 years.

The 56-year-old shows it off proudly: “See, it reads ‘World’s Best Mum’.”

She adds with a laugh: “Not just Mum, but World’s Best, you know.”

It was her first Mother’s Day gift from her stepson Lee Shing Lam, 37, then a student, who had bought the bear with his savings.

READ MORE HERE

She told son he was adopted since he was two

Christian was three months old when author Melanie Lee and her husband Darren Soh, an architecture photographer, first met him in 2012.

After years of trying unsuccessfully to conceive, the couple decided to adopt a child to complete their family.

He was the first baby they had come face to face with at an adoption agency here. He had arrived from the Indonesian city of Pontianak.

“We didn’t want to ‘shop’ around for a baby. That just felt too cruel,” says Lee, 44, who teaches media writing and academic writing courses at Ngee Ann Polytechnic and Singapore University of Social Sciences as a part-time lecturer.

READ MORE HERE

She’s both Paati (grandma) and Amma (mother) to the children

Madam Aisha Abdullah, 78, had thought that her days of changing diapers and caring for little ones were long behind her.

But in 2018, her daughter Sabura Banu Alla Pichay, then 29, suffered a brain injury that left her in the intensive care unit for two weeks. She still suffers from memory loss and cognitive impairment, and finds it difficult to walk in a straight line.

The former hotel guest relations executive and a single mum, now 34, could no longer work.

Madam Aisha stepped up as the main caregiver for her daughter, as well as for Ms Banu’s four children aged 14, 12, 11 and nine.

READ MORE HERE

Join ST's Telegram channel and get the latest breaking news delivered to you.