NEW YORK – Few things in life satisfy me as much as cancelling social plans.

As a reporter who regularly covers friendship, I am well-versed in the benefits of platonic connection. I know, for instance, that studies show people with strong social ties live longer and are better protected against stress. And I am familiar with the evidence showing that a truly robust social circle encompasses different types of friendship, including work pals (who can help you feel more engaged and productive) and “weak ties” (casual acquaintances who can help you learn new things and improve your daily sense of well-being).

But I am who I am: an introvert who delights in alone time. I admit, I seldom feel motivated to make new friends or even see the small-but-cherished group I already have. For me, the tension between craving camaraderie, connection and all the benefits of friendship, and wanting to be left alone is real.

“Every single person has the fundamental need for connection,” said social scientist Kasley Killam, who is also the founder and executive director of Social Health Labs, a non-profit organisation that works to create solutions for isolation and loneliness. “It’s not like introverts don’t need meaningful relationships. But what varies is how much and what kind of connection.”

I asked experts who study introversion – all of whom identify as introverts themselves – about what we want and need from our platonic bonds, and how we can make new friends without contorting our personalities or exhausting ourselves from the effort.

What is introversion and how does it shape friendship?

While the terms introvert, shy and social anxiety are often used interchangeably, they are not the same. The American Psychological Association defines shyness as the tendency to feel awkward or tense during social interactions. Social anxiety disorder, on the other hand, is a mental health condition characterised by an intense and persistent fear of being watched and judged by others that gets in the way of daily life.

“Introverts are mistaken for being anti-social,” said Susan Cain, author of Quiet: The Power Of Introverts In A World That Can’t Stop Talking. “They’re actually differently social.”

Cain said that means that, in general, introverts “prefer to lavish their social energy on their intimates, while extroverts get more of a charge from going to the proverbial cocktail party full of new people to meet”.

Killam added that “introverts tend to make friends more gradually, whereas extroverts are more likely to have ‘friends at first sight’ experiences”.

Yet she believes that while introverts tend to prefer small groups of close friends, it is also healthy for them to interact with acquaintances or have friendly conversations with strangers.

Introvert-approved approaches to friendship

Although public discourse around introversion has ramped up in the past decade, much of the guidance on making and maintaining friendships still feels geared toward extroverts and their enthusiasm for social interaction.

When I told Cain that the advice to put oneself out there makes me recoil, she said she felt a similar way.

Fortunately, Cain and the other experts assured me that an introvert does not have to become a social butterfly in order to have thriving, healthy friendships. These strategies can help.

Take the initiative

Introverts tend to not be fans of spontaneous hangouts or making social plans on the fly, said Laurie Helgoe, an associate clinical professor at Augsburg University in Minneapolis and author of Introvert Power: Why Your Inner Life Is Your Hidden Strength.

For that reason, taking the first step is a useful tactic, said Marisa Franco, author of Platonic: How The Science Of Attachment Can Help You Make – And Keep – Friends. Many people believe extroverts are more naturally suited to initiating plans, but it is a learnt skill, not an inherent personality trait, she said – one that comes with the added benefit of offering control.

“Initiation means you have the power to choose an activity that fits with how you like to socialise,” she said. “If you can embrace being the one to initiate interactions, even if you are an introvert, then you get to choose the activity that is the most restorative to you.”

Helgoe said, if the plans you make fall through, well then, you get some unexpected alone time.

Seek out comfortable people and comfortable places

Introverts prefer to stay in their comfort zones, said Helgoe, and they also like spending time with “comfortable people”, meaning friends who do not feel compelled to talk the entire time you are together. Get-togethers that revolve around doing an activity may feel more pleasant than engaging in social events that rely on talking, she added.

An easy way to gauge whether you find someone “comfortable” is to pay close attention to how you feel after spending time with them.

“Introverts might find a given friend really energising,” Killam said. “So they could spend hours on end with a given person and not feel depleted at all, even though, spending time around other people can be depleting for them.”

When making new friends, lean into your natural “opener” tendencies

Social research has described a group of people called “openers”, said Franco, “who tend to be good at getting people to open up”.

Introverts often fall in that category. They are good listeners who ask questions and prefer to develop strong bonds with a small group of friends. Research shows that introverts tend to experience a greater boost in feelings of social connectedness when engaging in intimate conversations than extroverts do.

“Having a deep, meaningful conversation might mean a lot more to an introvert,” Killam said. “I’ll speak about myself, for example. I love long one-on-one dinners with friends.” She said she finds them “very nourishing for my soul”.

“I think that’s a general truth for introverts,” she added. “We tend to feel energised by interactions like that, those that go a little bit deeper.” NYTIMES