Cemetery weddings finding new life, thanks to ‘positive death’ moment

UNITED STATES – It is right there in the vows uttered at innumerable weddings each year: “Till death do us part.”

So, it should come as no surprise that some couples want to highlight their eternal bond by marrying in a cemetery.

Cemetery weddings are nothing new. Jews living in Eastern Europe and in the US sometimes held weddings in cemeteries during times of mass disease – like during the 1918 influenza – in the belief that having the ceremony in the presence of the dead might bring about better times.

In the US, Forest Lawn Memorial Park in Glendale, California, became a popular site for weddings after it opened in 1906. In 1940, actor-turned-US President Ronald Reagan chose it as the venue for his marriage to his first wife, actress Jane Wyman.

For most of the 20th century, though, cemeteries were cordoned off in the American imagination as morbid spaces one did not visit unless necessary.

This has changed with the recent “positive death” movement, which has sought to remake the cemetery as a place of exploration and, even, celebration.

“Every year, we get more and more requests,” said Mr Richard Harker, executive director of the foundation that operates the Oakland Cemetery in Atlanta. He said that in 2023, Oakland hosted 36 weddings and 25 funerals.

But holding a cemetery wedding does present challenges that marrying in a hotel ballroom or chapel might not. Here is some advice from those who have been through the experience.

The reasons vary

The decision can be deeply personal. This was the case for Ms Sabrina Gandara, 38, of Portland, Oregon, who works in a retirement community.

In 2019, she married Mr Andrew Rodriguez, 37, a service writer for a car dealership, while standing over the grave of her grandfather, Mr Joe Gandara II, at the Fairhaven Memorial Park in Santa Ana, California.

“Growing up, I was my grandpa’s baby,” Ms Gandara said. She and her grandfather used to talk each evening on the phone, she said, and he had promised to walk her down the aisle when she got married. But he died in 2007.

Marrying at his gravesite was a way to stay true to his vow. “If my grandfather couldn’t walk me down the aisle, then I could walk down the aisle to my grandfather,” she said.

Sometimes, the decision comes out of the blue. Ms Shelby Prevatt, a 30-year-old therapist in private practice, was scouting for wedding locations in Richmond, Virginia, when her mother offered a surprising suggestion – the historic Hollywood Cemetery in Richmond, the 55ha final resting place of two former US presidents – Mr James Monroe and Mr John Tyler.

Ms Prevatt was intrigued. The first trip she had taken with her husband-to-be, Mr Zak Cowell, 31, a director of digital marketing, was to a music performance at the Congressional Cemetery in Washington, DC.

The couple, who now live in Bangor, Maine, had their wedding ceremony at Hollywood Cemetery in 2022. “We think about our wedding all the time,” Ms Prevatt said. “It’s one of the most special moments that we’ve had. I don’t have any regrets.”

An affordable option

The restrictions that a cemetery is likely to place on the size and scope of events may make it a perfect option for couples on a budget who want to have an intimate but memorable ceremony.

“More and more people are realising they want to save money for a down payment on a house, and they’d rather have a small, simple wedding,” said Ms Caroline DuBois, president of the New York Marble Cemetery in the East Village neighbourhood of Manhattan.

It costs US$5,000 (S$6,580) to rent the cemetery’s intimate garden, Ms DuBois said. Ms Prevatt said that to hold her wedding at Hollywood Cemetery, she donated US$2,500. In comparison, the average wedding venue in 2023 cost US$12,800, according to a survey conducted by wedding planning website The Knot.

Learn the rules

“Logistically, there are challenges,” said Ms Lauren Purcell, who plans high-end weddings in the Washington, DC area.

In 2018, she worked with a couple who married at the Congressional Cemetery, whose 70,000 permanent residents include Mr J. Edgar Hoover, former director of the US Federal Bureau of Investigation, and Mr Marion Barry, former mayor of Washington, DC.

Cemeteries are not hotels – each one will have unique facilities, quirks and rules for a prospective wedding party to consider.

Oakland Cemetery in Atlanta has seven wedding venues. They include a bell tower dating to 1899, two lawns able to hold 200 guests each, a former “women’s comfort station” built in 1908 and remodelled into an indoor venue, and three mausoleums. “We have a coordinator who works with the bride and groom,” Mr Harker said. Couples are asked to choose vendors from a list approved by the cemetery. If they do not, they are charged an extra fee.

At Marble Cemetery in East Village, the scope of the ceremony is constrained by the presence of underground vaults holding human remains from the 19th century. “We don’t allow dancing,” Ms DuBois said. “We don’t allow loud music.” Her guidelines for events run to 18 pages. “We have a lot of rules,” she added.

At the Congressional Cemetery in Washington, DC, Ms Purcell could walk only on the established paths during the ceremony. And vendors were given only narrow windows of time outside of regular visiting hours, during which they could prepare the site. “We had a full reception there,” Ms Purcell said. “We had dinner, a bar, a band and dancing” almost entirely conducted on the cemetery’s paths.

Some couples may hold their ceremony at a cemetery and then move the reception elsewhere. Mr Cowell said that after the ceremony at the Hollywood Cemetery, the wedding party celebrated at the nearby Jefferson Hotel.

Officiant considerations

Agreeing to officiate a cemetery wedding could also introduce challenges – as well as opportunities for reflection.

“Look at the land, look at the layout, make sure you’re comfortable officiating in that space,” said Mr Lewis King, director of American Marriage Ministries, which ordains wedding officiants. “You have a certain responsibility to do justice to the venue.”

Done right, a cemetery wedding can refresh a rite that often succumbs to logistical anxieties or the need for one Instagram-worthy moment after another. There is nothing like death, after all, to focus the mind on what matters in life. NYTIMES