Singapore Shelf: A look into a suicidal mind in A Good Day To Die

In this monthly feature, The Straits Times lines up five hot-off-the-press home-grown books for readers to dive into.

For all her adult life, Vas has thought about suicide. Once, she decided to go through with it by overdosing on sleeping pills. It was by sheer chance that her pilot husband arrived home from his flight an hour earlier than expected and took her to the hospital in time.

Vas, 58, opens up about what it is like to live with suicidal thoughts in her latest book, A Good Day To Die.

She began writing it during the pandemic in August last year, after reading a report by Samaritans of Singapore. The statistics on suicides of those aged 10 to 29 shook her to the core, she said.

"At that point, I had been feeling suicidal for a few months, struggling with the pandemic restrictions," she says in an e-mail interview from Britain, where she is spending time with her daughter and her husband's family.

"I decided to tell my story, hoping to help people understand why some of us choose suicide."

Vas, a former air stewardess who later worked in advertising, was diagnosed with Type 1 bipolar disorder in 2005 after struggling with mood swings and suicidal thoughts for more than 20 years.

She first wrote frankly about her mental health in the 2012 book Praying To The Goddess Of Mercy. She is also the author of the novels Rain Tree (2016) and It Happened On Scrabble Sunday (2018).

A Good Day To Die was agonising to write, she says, but she seeks to demystify suicide, even if it meant dredging up her own painful memories.

"As I did not want the book to be repetitive, depressing, or read like a suicide manual, I chose to mention a few events - all of which most people can relate to - that led to strong suicidal ideation."

These could range from the stress of working long hours to her upstairs neighbours refusing to keep the noise down. "They show how little it takes for a suicidal person to get to the edge and why it can be so hard just to stay alive."

Yet, she has also been brought back from the brink by the smallest things. Once, she was preparing to seal herself in a room with a spare tank of cooking gas when she was interrupted by a deliveryman arriving with a package. In the time it took to buzz him up, her suicidal urge dissipated.

Vas, who has twin daughters in their late 20s, says that she swings between contemplating and even planning suicide and finding a reason to live.

Sometimes, she goes months in between suicidal days. During the circuit breaker last year, the gap was mere weeks.

She believes the pandemic has shifted more attention to mental health issues, though she thinks conversations remain largely superficial. "But at the same time, I understand that it is difficult and unpleasant to talk about mental health.

"I think people are afraid to speak openly and honestly about their struggles because of what others might think of them. Or maybe they do not want to alarm their family and friends. Or maybe suicide is their goal and they do not want anyone to intervene."

She hopes her book will help convince the population not to condemn and dismiss as weak those who kill themselves, and help others confront their struggles and realise there is no shame in seeking help.

"Suicidal ideation doesn't mean you must die. See your doctor, get help and keep living."

Heng's sixth poetry collection, her first in 10 years, plumbs personal memory and family relationships, as well as still-life snapshots of Singapore and the stories of those interned in Changi Prison during World War II.

This Epigram Books Fiction Prize-shortlisted debut by Malaysian author Yeang is set at the turn of the 20th century and looks at mui tsai, daughters of poor Chinese families sold as bondmaids to rich households.

Before she turns six, Tang Mei Choon is sold by her mother to the wealthy P'an family in Chongqing, China. Her path will take her from snowy Harbin to the Blue Sky Mansion, a high-class brothel in Penang.

This fantasy debut tackles the real-life issue of dementia and caring for the elderly.

When Alexis' grandfather loses his mind, she must journey to the land of Mist, which is populated by magical creatures from his tales, and gather the ingredients for Memory Glue. But if she fails to do so by spring, his memories will be lost forever.

Alexis is the name of Malaysia-born, Singapore-based author Kho's only child, who was born shortly after Kho's father suffered two strokes and developed vascular dementia. Kho wrote the book as a way for his daughter to "save" the grandfather she never truly got to know, who died before the book was published.

The latest in this series of picture books on notable Singaporean personalities features late artist Lee Wen, a Cultural Medallion recipient known for his iconic Yellow Man performance series, for which he covered his body with yellow paint.

The book pays whimsical tribute to the ground-breaking nature of Lee's art and life. It is written by Chan, who was Lee's biographer, and illustrated by comic artist Weng, who last year published her debut comic book Sweet Time.

Lee had Parkinson's disease and died in 2019 from a lung infection.

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Helplines

• National Care Hotline: 1800-202-6868 (8am - 12am)

• Institute of Mental Health's Mental Health Helpline: 6389-2222 (24 hours)

• Samaritans of Singapore: 1800-221-4444 (24 hours) /1-767 (24 hours)

• Singapore Association for Mental Health: 1800-283-7019

• Silver Ribbon Singapore: 6386-1928

• Tinkle Friend: 1800-274-4788 and www.tinklefriend.sg

• Community Health Assessment Team 6493-6500/1 and www.chat.mentalhealth.sg

• TOUCHline (Counselling): 1800-377-2252

• TOUCH Care Line (for seniors, caregivers): 6804-6555

• Care Corner Counselling Centre: 1800-353-5800

• mindline.sg

• My Mental Health stayprepared.sg/mymentalhealth

• Fei Yue's Online Counselling Service: eC2.sg