How to talk to friends about money

When the 2008 recession hit, Ms Emma Connelly was in fourth grade. The mass layoffs hit close to home. "My dad was unemployed off and on for basically six years, so he became a stay-at-home dad," Ms Connelly, 22, said.

Despite their financial setbacks, her parents taught their children that money is not everything and demonstrated the lesson through their actions.

But when the pandemic hit, sending the global economy into a recession that is going to be worse than the last, her money anxiety resurfaced.

Before the pandemic, Ms Connelly, who lives in Los Angeles, was working three jobs and going to school. Now, she has not been working for the past two months.

She also feels guilty talking about financial problems with friends. "I'm trying not to have my anxiety be a tax on anybody."

Money is an emotionally charged topic as it is, but many people are now financially struggling in new and conflicting ways.

Like her, many people are feeling both vulnerable and guilty about their financial situations. They say talking about money feels uncomfortable, complicated and awkward. But does it have to?

Ms Erin Lowry, the author of the Broke Millennial series, suggested that conversations about money could be more candid in the midst of a crisis. "Those classic awkward money conversations are going to be easier in the coming months because so many people are losing jobs or losing work hours or being furloughed," she said.

Normally, people associate shame and judgment with money, but the current crisis has moderated that shame. "You're seeing a lot of language repositioned that this is not your fault. It's not a moral shortcoming on your end. This is something that is happening globally," Ms Lowry said. This makes it easier to broach the subject. "I think that helps people feel OK to be open and honest about their situation," she said.

The pandemic might serve as an icebreaker, but money is still emotional and complicated, and much of what's happening to the economy points to a larger problem. "And that's a much harder conversation to have," Ms Lowry said.

Whether it is a roommate who cannot afford rent, a friend who still has a job when you have lost yours, or a family member who needs financial support, empathy is key to navigating tricky conversations, and that is true now more than ever, said Ms Debra Roberts, a communication specialist and the author of The Relationship Protocol.

"How you bring up a topic is even more important than what you're actually saying," Ms Roberts said.

From the start, you should address the discomfort and let the other person know your intention.

"You might say something like, 'I know this is a complicated topic, and I want to be sensitive to what you're experiencing,'" she suggested.

If you are asking a landlord for a rent reduction, for instance, you might acknowledge the fact that they are being hit by this crisis, too.

If a friend has lost a job, it might feel awkward to reach out at first, especially when you still have yours, but you can address the awkwardness and let them know you are thinking about them.

"It feels uncomfortable to talk about it, but it's important to check in," Ms Roberts said. "And if you feel guilty, that's something you need to reconcile for yourself so you can have the conversation."

It is human nature to avoid awkwardness in these situations, but ignoring the problem often makes it worse. In most cases, it is best to address the discomfort from the beginning.

For example, if you have asked a roommate for a rent reduction because you have lost your job, you might feel guilty ordering takeout later.

To mitigate hard feelings, have the conversation upfront, Ms Lowry said. "Just say to them, 'I've had a really bad week, and I would like to spend 15 dollars ordering from my favourite restaurant. I just want to tell you that before it gets awkward.'"

If you feel compelled to offer a friend financial support, there is an easy way to make it feel less like a handout and more like a gift: Offer something tangible aside from cash.

"So, instead of just sending them a hundred bucks, (send) them $100 with a note like, 'Use this to splurge on some takeout, buy from your favourite restaurant, get your favourite meal," Ms Lowry suggested.

"That way, your friend isn't thinking, 'Oh she's taking pity on me because I lost my job.' It's a gift, a nice gesture." If you decide to lend money to a friend or provide some other kind of financial relief, avoid micromanaging the situation.

"Give only what you can afford to give, and, when you do give, it's a gift, not a loan," Ms Lowry said. "And if you get the money back, great. But you have to mentally frame this as a gift."

Communication is as much about listening as it is about talking, and that's a good rule of thumb to apply to any difficult conversation, but especially ones that arise from crisis.

There may be no way to escape the complicated, uncomfortable ways these conversations will play out. "I'll be honest. It's still going to be awkward," Ms Lowry said. "No matter the tips, no matter the strategy, some of these conversations are just straight-up difficult. We just have to push our way through."

NYTIMES