As school absentees increase, Japanese dads turn to izakaya support group

TOKYO - In Japan’s izakaya pubs, people drink and discuss the usual topics including sports and politics. But one group of fathers on the outskirts of Tokyo drinks beer while talking about the fact that their children don’t want to go to school.

One Saturday evening at the end of September, eight men gathered at an izakaya, each nursing a drink and taking turns telling the group the latest updates about their kids who refuse to go to school.

Called “Oyaji-no-Kai” (Dads’ Meetups), the gathering in Ebina, Kanagawa Prefecture, brings together fathers every other month to share concerns about their children and explore what a healthy family life might look like.

A record-high 353,970 primary and secondary school students in public and private schools missed 30 or more days of school in fiscal 2024, according to a survey by the Ministry of Education, Culture, Sports, Science and Technology.

It was the 12th consecutive year of increase in the number. Some are at risk of becoming “hikikomori,” or social recluses, who are estimated to have numbered 1.46 million based on a 2022 survey by the Cabinet Office.

Reasons for school absence vary. In the education ministry survey, elementary, junior high, and high schools reported a total of 769,022 cases of bullying. Of these, 1,405 were classified as “serious incidents” involving physical harm or prolonged absences, marking the highest number on record for both categories.

While parent groups for these children are on the rise, most participants are mothers, with few gatherings such as Oyaji-no-Kai dedicated to fathers.

“Being able to talk about this has really broadened my perspective,” said one father. His eldest son, a middle schooler, had begun resisting going to school in the upper grades of elementary school and eventually stopped attending altogether.

At work, the father had switched departments and was coming home every day exhausted due to unfamiliar tasks and difficult relationships with co-workers. At home, his son would avoid him.

“I felt like there was nowhere I could relax, whether at home or outside. Time is just passing by while he’s unable to go to school,” he said, adding that whenever he sees children his son’s age, he worries about the future.

When he joined the fathers’ group, he was able to vent his frustrations. The more he shared, the more open he became to other perspectives, and gradually he was able to start thinking about his son.

“It might seem trivial, but recently, my son responded for the first time in a year with something like filler words,” he told the group. Some participants offered words of encouragement, saying, “I guess something must have gotten through,” and “You’ve done a great job.”

As the drinks flowed, the other dads began to tell their own stories.

One said he is torn between leaving his child alone and offering to listen to their worries. Another said: “My whole family is on edge, and I don’t know what to do.”

Mr Hirotsugu Yoshizawa, 70, who helps school absentees and hikikomori in Kanagawa, started the group two years ago. He limited members to men so they could open up without worrying about what their families might think.

“The home is also a closed-off space. For men, who often find it hard to show vulnerability, having an excuse to drink might make it easier to air their frustrations,” said Mr Yoshizawa.

The unburdening can be cathartic. Sometimes members break down in tears.

“For children who can’t attend school, home is a vital place to recharge, and parents also need an environment where they can gather their thoughts,” said Mr Yoshizawa.

Meanwhile, learning about other families’ struggles can expand the range of options for dealing with their own challenges, he said. KYODO NEWS