Intimate partner abuse: Love should not hurt

"Get out. No one should live with violence." These were the words of advice abuse survivor Rachel Lim had for others facing a similar situation. In May this year, the content strategist shared with The Straits Times her story of overcoming violence inflicted by her former boyfriend.

In August 2017, when Ms Lim refused the demands of her then boyfriend - a doctor - for sex, he became so enraged that he smashed her face with his fists, breaking her nose, leaving multiple fractures and causing her brain to bleed. Ms Lim's wounds were so extensive that she was hospitalised for three weeks.

The release of recommendations by the Taskforce on Family Violence earlier this month reminded me of Ms Lim's experience and the many forms of abusive behaviour - beyond spousal violence - that can affect people.

One of these is intimate partner abuse among youth aged 15 to 35.

As social gatherings are reduced and more people turn to online events, those in abusive relationships may have limited face-to-face interaction with a regular network of friends, family and colleagues, giving them fewer opportunities to build trust, talk about their trauma and seek help.

A Time magazine article in February this year noted how domestic violence is a pandemic within the Covid-19 pandemic.

The article cited financial difficulties and pandemic stressors as factors that can trigger individuals to become abusive towards their partners.

One of the reasons it is difficult to call out abuse and talk about it openly is because there are many interpretations of what it means.

A 2019 study by Ipsos and United Women Singapore found that one in three women here had personal experience of domestic abuse or seen someone close to them undergo domestic abuse. What was more troubling though, was the perceptions of Singaporeans about what constitutes abuse.

About 84 per cent of respondents consider that hitting a spouse and leaving a physical wound constitutes domestic abuse. The number drops to 75 per cent if there is no physical wound. Where violence is not physical, about half of the respondents believed such action was not domestic abuse.

In order to ensure incidents of abuse do not fall through the cracks, we must empower victims to step forward and share their experiences, whether it is physical or psychological abuse.

According to the US Centres for Disease Control and Prevention, dating violence or intimate partner violence can take many forms that harm both the body and the mind - physical aggression, stalking, sexual violence and psychological aggression.

Prolonged abuse in relationships often stems from a lack of awareness or helplessness among victims about their situation.

Abusive tendencies or "red flags" are also often normalised and, in some cases, even romanticised in the media, making it difficult for victims to differentiate disagreements from abusive behaviour.

In a 2017 study, academics at Ohio State and Michigan State universities found that youth who have read E.L. James' erotic novel Fifty Shades of Grey were more likely to display sexist and toxic attitudes. Movies with a similar trope like After (2019) and Twilight (2008) have also been criticised for normalising abusive behaviour.

In contrast, the beloved British sitcom Coronation Street was hailed for its raw representation of domestic abuse last year.

In a May 2020 BBC article, "Coronation Street: Coercive control is 'all of our business'", writer Doug Faulkner discussed how the storyline of character Yasmine Nazir being gradually alienated from friends and family and tormented by her husband Geoff Metcalfe was a reflection of the reality many victims face.

The pandemic has redefined the avenues where abuse can manifest. Online dating has surged among the 15-35 age group during the pandemic with restrictions on social gatherings making it difficult for people to meet potential romantic partners in social settings.

A 2020 study by the Australian Institute of Criminology found that the structure of dating apps provides a degree of accessibility and anonymity to potential perpetrators, who can insult, stalk or hurt partners online or offline if the relationship sours.

Dating apps have come under fire in some countries like Australia and Britain for failing to regulate users and ensure those with prior domestic violence or sexual assault charges are not allowed to set up profiles and approach women.

Given that one in three women here has had personal experience of or know someone in an abusive relationship, the problem is more pervasive than we may think.

A good support system is vital for victims to seek help and remove themselves from their circumstances.

We can look out for our family members, friends and colleagues and identify abuse early so they can seek help. This can be done by reaching out to them regularly through a call or meeting up whenever possible.

Renowned US healthcare institution Mayo Clinic listed some signs to look out for:

• The partner insults the victim, often devalues the person and stops him or her from meeting family, friends or colleagues.

• The partner controls how the victim spends money or what the person wears.

• The partner acts jealous or possessive and constantly accuses the victim of infidelity.

•The partner subjects the victim to threats of violence, physical violence and forces the victim to engage in sexual acts.

According to the Ipsos and United Women Singapore survey, about 40 per cent of respondents were unclear on what to do if they or someone close to them experienced domestic abuse.

Gender equality advocacy group Aware suggests some of the following ways to help victims of domestic abuse which can also be extended to those facing abuse from partners they do not live with.

• Listen to the victim and create a safety plan with the person, including identifying a safe space to go to during emergencies.

• Direct the victim to counselling services, hotlines, or the nearest hospital, police post or crisis shelter.

• Direct the victim to information on how to file a personal protection order. A PPO is a court order restraining a person from committing violence against a family member.

• Call the police or relevant agencies if you suspect domestic violence in the homes of your neighbours, family or friends. Community groups and schools also have a part to play in preventing abuse.

The Centre for Promoting Alternatives to Violence organises an annual Dating Violence Awareness Week, with activities for the public to take part in as they learn more about dating violence. More youth-centric community organisations can step up to organise such campaigns, reaching out to youth at an early age so they are better equipped to navigate intimate relationships later in life.

With 2,248 fresh applications for personal protection orders filed last year, it is clear abuse in Singapore society is all of our business.