Child sex abuse survivor

'I didn't want him to have power over me any more'

With the number of intra-family child sex abuse cases on the rise, The Straits Times looks at the lifelong road to recovery for survivors

Jean Iau

Throughout most of her childhood, Fiona (not her real name) dreaded going home because she knew her stepfather would be there.

He began sexually abusing her when she was nine years old, when they were alone.

It took Fiona, now in her early 30s, five years before she confided in her best friend.

"It was a huge relief. I wasn't keeping this big secret by myself any more," said Fiona, a housewife.

She was in secondary school when, accompanied by her friend, she told her teacher about the abuse and a police report was made.

Fiona was helped by her school counsellor and Child Protective Service (CPS), which arranged for her to get therapy and helped her move in with her aunt.

"At that point, I didn't even know what recovery was. It always felt like one step forward and two steps back; I would feel a bit better because the counsellors always believed me, but whenever I saw him I still felt fear.

"He still had a hold over me," said Fiona, who suffered from depression as a teen and would harm herself.

The case against her stepfather never reached the courts and Fiona eventually forgave him and moved back to live with him and her mother when she was in her early 20s.

"I spent most of my childhood and teenage years getting professional help and trying to recover. I know that it's because of him I wasn't able to enjoy those years which are supposed to be the best or most formative years of my life. That's what he stole from me.

"But I realised that forgiving him was the best thing I could do for myself. I didn't want him to have power over me any more," said Fiona.

Unlike Fiona's stepdad, whose case was dropped because of a lack of evidence, abusers often end up serving long prison sentences.

Last Monday, a 46-year-old man who molested his stepdaughter was sentenced to 37 months' jail and three strokes of the cane. The abuse started when she was in Primary 3 and continued till she was in Secondary 1.

Even after his wife confronted him about the abuse, the man assaulted the victim again, escalating the abuse by placing his private parts on her lips.

In another case, a man, 50, raped his 11-year-old daughter after a fengshui master said that he would face a life-threatening accident that could be averted only if he had sex with a virgin. He was sentenced to 23 years' jail on Oct 18.

The victims also end up imprisoned - by the trauma caused by the experience.

Association of Women for Action and Research (Aware) president Margaret Thomas said that child sexual abuse can have a long-term impact on the psychosocial development of children as the abuse changes the way children view themselves, others and the world.

She said: "Children typically experience a lot of guilt and self-blame. They may view themselves as shameful, unworthy and dirty and the world as an unsafe and volatile place."

Responding to queries from ST, the Ministry of Social and Family Development (MSF) said that CPS mainly handles cases involving children who have been abused by their family members.

The service does not handle cases where the alleged perpetrator is not a family member, and the parents are protective of their children.

Close to 90 per cent of perpetrators in child abuse cases investigated by CPS are family members involving a parent or step-parent, said the ministry. The service works with caregivers to keep the child safe if the alleged perpetrator is a family member.

Depending on the severity of the alleged abuse and following consultation with the police, the child might be allowed to continue living in the same household.

But CPS must be convinced that there are safe adults to protect the child. The child and alleged perpetrator must also not be left alone at any time, said an MSF spokesman.

If it is unsafe for the child to stay at their home, the child will be placed in alternative care with relatives, foster carers or in a children's home.

The MSF spokesman said that victims are given therapy and may be referred to MSF psychologists at the Clinical and Forensic Psychology Service.

The psychologists assess how the child and family have been impacted by the sexual abuse and determine if the child needs specialised help. These victims could also be referred to community agencies such as Family Service Centres and Child Protection Specialist Centres for support after CPS closes the case.

Parents will have to foot the bill for services not provided by MSF or referred by CPS, such as counselling with a private agency.

Fiona said there are still triggers that set off her anxiety today. She urged survivors to get help from any of the established networks, or simply speak to a trusted friend.

"It's important to know that life gets better. I was devastated at first when it happened, but I realised the abuse cannot be all there is to my life.

"The best justice you can get is to achieve everything you want and show him (the perpetrator) that even after all he did to you, you still made a better life for yourself."