Nothing tests a dual-income marriage like a new baby 

Cheryl and Hyden (not their real names) had huge difficulty finding a common slot to come to counselling together. Despite the availability of evening appointments, the earliest they could both make it was in four months. The only solution was for me to see them separately.

As the sessions went by, it became clear that differences in parenting priorities were driving Cheryl and Hyden apart, even though both wanted the best for their child. Focused on meeting their child’s developmental milestones, Cheryl could not find affirmation from Hyden when she expressed concerns over the child’s progress.

Meanwhile, Hyden was singularly focused on the practical aspects and logistics involved in childcare each day: dropping off and fetching Cheryl and their child from work and daycare; bathing, feeding and settling the child to sleep; and then returning to his work in the evenings.

Outside childcare hours, the couple had little day-to-day support. Like many younger grandparents today, Cheryl’s and Hyden’s parents were still working and managing responsibilities of their own.

Cheryl and Hyden’s story reflects a pattern I, as a family therapist, see in more young couples. The problem isn’t logistical, nor is it a lack of emotional commitment to the marriage. Many are trying to be committed employees, present parents and supportive spouses – all at the same time. Parenthood has changed dramatically, but our expectations of marriage, and the support we provide couples, have not kept pace. 

Different expectations

The transition to parenthood has always been demanding. But today’s parents face a very different set of expectations from what their own parents navigated. Most young families are now dual-income households. Fathers are expected to be active caregivers, not simply providers. Mothers often return to work soon after maternity leave. 

Much of this is positive. Children benefit from engaged parents, and many fathers today have closer relationships with their children than previous generations did. 

But parenting itself has undeniably become more intensive. Parents are expected not only to keep children safe and healthy, but also to optimise every aspect of their development – from nutrition and sleep to emotional well-being and enrichment, all while avoiding screen time. 

But the cumulative effect is that raising children has become far more time-consuming and emotionally demanding. Social media amplifies the pressure by exposing parents to a constant stream of advice and comparison. Many feel they are no longer simply raising a child, but also managing an endless series of high-stakes decisions that could shape their child’s future. 

At the same time, the informal support that once buffered family life has become less available. Many grandparents continue to play an important role, but they are also still working, caring for ageing parents or managing health issues of their own. They may not be able to provide the regular childcare support that previous generations relied on. 

The result is that many young couples spend their days moving from office to childcare to household responsibilities with almost no uninterrupted time together. That has important consequences for a couple’s relationship and their marriage. 

When couples become co-parents

One misconception is that couples who have strong relationships before children will naturally adjust well afterwards. In reality, becoming parents requires couples to develop an entirely new relationship: not simply as spouses, but also as co-parents. 

Joe and Eileen (not their real names), another couple I see, were together for 10 years before getting married. Both worked with children professionally and assumed parenting would come naturally.

Instead, after having twins, they found themselves disagreeing over fundamental questions. One believed in the power of structured routines and enrichment classes. The other wanted their children to enjoy a more relaxed childhood, similar to their own. One valued discipline and order. The other prioritised communication and emotional connection.

These differences can be relatively easier to untangle if couples have the time and emotional capacity to work through them. But that bandwidth may be severely lacking today.

When every day is consumed by work, childcare and household logistics, conversations become transactional. Couples become highly effective at running a household, while gradually investing less in the relationship that created the family in the first place. 

Relationship education

This is why the transition to parenthood deserves far more attention than it currently receives. Couples spend months preparing for the practical aspects of childbirth and child-raising. They attend antenatal classes, organise finances and buy everything a baby will need. Yet, relatively little prepares them for how profoundly a baby will reshape their relationship.

Questions such as how caregiving will be shared, how parenting decisions will be made, what happens when one parent feels overwhelmed or how the couple will protect time for each other often surface only after conflict has already emerged.  These conversations should happen much earlier. 

Relationship education can play a preventive role by helping couples anticipate the transition to co-parenting early. Support services also need to recognise how modern families actually live. Many couples tell me that lunchtime is the only hour they reliably share. Flexible options, including online sessions, make it more realistic for busy parents to seek help before problems become entrenched. 

Singapore has invested significantly in helping couples marry and have children. But preparing couples for parenthood cannot end once the baby is born. The hardest transition often comes afterwards, when two people who love each other discover that becoming parents requires them to renegotiate almost every aspect of their lives together.

Helping couples become parents is an important national priority. But helping them remain partners and spouses afterwards may be just as key.