Making and keeping friends shouldn’t be a ‘waste of time’

As a clinical psychologist in private practice, I’ve observed that the loneliness epidemic is very real. 

One of my clients, a young male millennial, told me how, despite managing a sizeable team of colleagues at work and being connected with a large network of professionals on LinkedIn and followers on Instagram, he felt constantly isolated. 

Another client, a working mother of two young children, confided that she was constantly busy juggling responsibilities at work and at home. She felt that she had no one she could truly talk to about her own struggles – not other mothers or even her own husband.

These stories are not uncommon. I often see individuals who appear outwardly to have full, active lives but struggle inwardly with a deep sense of loneliness. The emotional weight of loneliness manifests in various ways – oftentimes as anxiety, low mood or as a quiet ache that’s difficult to articulate.

Loneliness isn’t just about being isolated socially. It’s about feeling unseen, unheard or disconnected even in the presence of others. 

This can pose a real risk to our physical and mental health. 

Loneliness increases our cortisol levels (the stress hormone) and is associated with depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, cognitive decline, sleep disorders, substance abuse and chronic stress. 

Our physical health also suffers. Loneliness significantly raises the risk of cardiovascular disease, stroke and even premature death. Its impact on the mortality rate is comparable with smoking about 15 cigarettes a day and exceeds that of obesity or physical inactivity.

A shift in values 

Many reasons have been offered up at the altar of loneliness: technology, the global rising cost of living, Covid-19 and the evolving nature of work – the list goes on.

Among these reasons, technology is often cited as the primary reason for our loneliness. In one US-based study, participants who reported using social media for more than two hours a day had about double the odds of reporting increased perceptions of social isolation compared to those who used social media for less than 30 minutes per day. 

The ills of non-adaptive social media consumption and its impact on our mental health are well documented. But I believe there is another reason for our loneliness: Modern Singapore society is becoming increasingly individualistic – that is, we tend to focus more on ourselves rather than on the collective good of society. 

Individualism or independence, as a character trait in and of itself, is not inherently negative. It can foster self-confidence, resilience and self-determination. But taken too far, it leads to increased stress levels, social isolation, weaker social ties and less pro-social behaviours, such as helping a colleague manage a workload or actively listening to a peer expressing distress. 

There are many reasons that have led us down this path.

Our early society was built on Asian values that emphasised becoming useful members of society and with the family unit as its core building block, the prioritisation of the community’s needs over individual interests, and the maintenance of social harmony over individual pursuits. 

Over the years, there has been a psychological shift of values in modern Singapore society towards Western cultures. This includes values like self-expression, self-determination, personal autonomy and an emphasis on personal success, often to the exclusion (in varying degrees) of other values.

This focus on personal success often leads people to prioritise careers and financial gain over close relationships.

In my clinical practice, I have seen an increase in the number of young professionals prioritising career advancement and personal achievements over deepening social connections. One of my clients, a lawyer in her early 30s, told me: “I’m always around people – clients, colleagues – but I can’t remember the last time I had a personal, unhurried conversation without a business development angle just for the sake of connection.”

When people spend long hours at work, it often comes at the expense of maintaining deep friendships or nurturing close relationships. Time is, of course, a limited resource for everyone. 

Some may also feel that building close relationships or needing emotional connection can be a “waste of time” or a weakness. 

It is, perhaps, not surprising that a recent study by the Institute of Policy Studies (IPS) highlighted that the average number of close friends among Singaporeans dropped from 10.67 in 2018 to just 6.49 in 2024. 

The study also showed that regardless of socio-economic status, younger people aged 18 to 35 were more likely to have fewer close friends. 

As modern lifestyles prioritise financial success, this gradual devaluation of social connection is a quiet but potent driver of Singapore’s loneliness epidemic.

The case for having friends

As psychologists, we know that humans are biologically wired for connection. Psychology research suggests that stable, healthy friendships are crucial for our well-being and longevity. 

A 2020 study published in the American Journal Of Psychiatry showed that people who maintain close friendships feel more satisfied with their lives and are less likely to suffer from depression. 

Such close friends are generally thought of as individuals with whom one shares strong social bonds, frequent interaction and the exchange of confidences. 

Positive social connections, such as spending time engaged in meaningful conversation with others, participating in communal activities or making regular social connections, are also protective and can build emotional resilience. 

Therefore, friendships – and other meaningful connections with those around us – can help stave off loneliness. Indeed, research has shown that family and social networks play a vital role in mental health outcomes by providing emotional support, reducing isolation and encouraging intervention adherence.

I’ve seen the positive effects of this in my practice as well, whenever my clients tell me that prioritising relationships, in a manner consistent with their values, has been immensely beneficial to their mental health. 

A mindset change

How, then, can we build – and maintain – these meaningful connections? 

The first and probably most difficult act is to change our mindsets – to see that making time for our friends is not “unproductive” but is good for both your physical and mental health. 

It could even improve your personal success. One American study has found that those with pro-social behaviours are associated with higher income levels. 

Next, we can engage in small micro-connections with our colleagues, friends and loved ones. Social interactions do not always have to take the format of lengthy meals or coffee over several hours. Small actions, done consistently over time, can be just as effective. 

For example, smiling at a neighbour who might appear unfriendly, initiating simple conversations to show concern for a neighbour, reaching out to an old friend and putting our phones down during our daily social interactions – these seemingly minor gestures are steps in the way of rebuilding our social connections with one another.

For closer friends and family, sending a quick WhatsApp text with a short message, a meme or even a song or video tells them that you are keeping them in your thoughts – that’s perhaps the reason why older parents or grandparents send many of these to us throughout the day! 

Longer-format catch-ups or check-ins are also important. Schedule social time as you would a business meeting and “calendarise” it – the key is to be intentional about it. 

Allow yourself to share your feelings or thoughts openly, especially with closer friends, reciprocating when appropriate to allow both of you to build trust and stronger emotional connection over time.

There are also steps we can take to forge stronger social connections in the community like participating in grassroots or volunteer work, clubs or faith communities that offer purpose, social support – and the opportunity to build new friendships. 

With consistency and intention, making and keeping close friends should not have to feel like a burden – and can go a long way in helping us feel less isolated and disconnected. 

However, I should add that any social interaction is better than none. Early studies exploring the effects of interactions with strangers and acquaintances suggest that people feel happier when they have more small, casual interactions, such as chatting with a barista or talking to someone at the gym. 

These friendly little moments may be called “weak-tie” interactions because they’re not deep friendships, but are helpful nonetheless. 

Even if someone doesn’t have many close friends, having more of these light interactions in a day can boost their mood. And on days when people have more of these than usual, they feel happier.

Regardless, do not underestimate the importance of seeking professional help if needed.

It is time for us to recognise that loneliness is not just an individual issue but a societal one. Social connections are, ultimately, just as important and valuable as other traditional indicators of success.

With small, intentional acts of kindness and friendship, we can build close relationships – and ultimately foster a more resilient community.