GODS OF EGYPT
Everyone in ancient Egypt here is so Exodus: Gods And Kings-style, Christmas snowman-white, I think somebody here mistook Memphis, Egypt, for Memphis, Tennessee. Egypt-born Australian director Alex Proyas (I, Robot, 2004; The Crow, 1994) has apologised for this distinct lack of diversity, which is like somebody replacing lions with turkeys in a zoo and saying sorry for thinking they're the same species.
All of which makes this bombastic action trailer possibly the most insane, over the top and unintentionally funny clip of the year.
The rub is that nasty bow-before-me-or-die god Set (Gerard Butler) plucks out the eyes of good god Horus (Game Of Thrones' Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) to defeat him and rule tyrannically over everybody in this gigantic Halloween costume party. It's up to some straggly-haired teen idol (The Giver's Brenton Thwaites) to help Horus take down a very un-300 villain Butler and his CGI legion of rampaging gods, demons, giant monsters and all kinds of really bad fellows. "Only one god can save us, but not without his eyes," someone fills us in. I've always wanted to say this - eye, aye, sir.
It's hysterical. It's Nile or never as the two head honchos go Clash Of The Titans-crazy wreaking 100 pyramids-wide havoc like mad jackal versus winged hawk or last year's fashionable golden sandals versus this year's fashionable metal chest plate.
I think they blew so much money in this Aussie-shot trailer the dough could have been used to feed millions of real, faraway Egyptian camels, none of which have anything ethnically or authentically to do with this.
Here's the long and short of this comedy clip. I really mean long and short. Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson is the huge man mountain. Kevin Hart is the small pebble cowering in the shadow of The Rock's biceps. I think somebody just took their goofing around in the living room and made it into a feature-length movie.
Johnson is a CIA action man. Hart, his school pal, is the chicken-class accountant who doesn't want to be recruited or any way involved with CIA business despite the fact that this trailer is all about him being caught up comically in shootouts, explosions and car chases with his buddy who looks like he bursts out of T-shirts by merely twitching his nipples.
"Take my gun, we may have to kill some people… I think you'll like it," Johnson tells the very reluctant Hart with a straight face. Because these two bozos are actually very likeable together, you'll chuckle until you laugh out loud at its Sixth Sense-twist punchline.
Turns out that back in a totally bizarre role reversal, Hart was the happening, coolest kid in high school and Johnson was, well, Fat Robbie. When you get to the very scary sight of The Rock singing in the shower as The Blob, don't blame me if you die laughing.
Tay Yek Keak