I'm a rather good cook. It's because I watch a lot of Youtube cooking videos. In just two years, I have picked up techniques you kitchen plebs couldn't dream of doing.

Chinese roast duck, for example. Most sane people will buy the finished product from a stall and that will be the end of it, but where is the fun in that? You have not lived until you: a) go to a wet market and with limited Mandarin ask a busy shopkeeper if she has a thing called "maltose", where every word is in Mandarin except for "maltose" b) or stuck your hand into the moist cavities of a slimy bird and c) let its pink naked body rest for a day with a fan pointed at it, like it was a Western tourist in Phuket.