"As we say in science, England couldn't hit a cow's a**e with a banjo."

I was attempting a bizarre mental picture of a cow's backside, a banjo and England's penalty takers until I realised that some things are simply beyond my feeble mind.

No, only the incredible brain of Professor Stephen Hawking, father of super eggheads, can comprehend this scientific mystery when he analysed England's chances for the World Cup recently.

Hawking, a cosmologist more than an astrologist, presented a set of formulae he'd drawn up for a British bookmaker and in so doing, the smartest man in the world became also the funniest.

He concluded that England's chances would improve if they wear red, kick off in the cooler afternoon, use 4-3-3 instead of Roy Hodgson's kick-the-bloody-ball-to-heaven, and play in stadiums less than 500 metres above sea level.

Which means that the World Cup at the Himalayas will be an utter disaster for England.

And oh, it's better for England to get only European referees as those fair chaps are more used to the English game and 'less sympathetic to ballerinas like Luis Suarez'.

Hawking came up to Bolshoi Ballet-level but avoided wriggling-snake analogies out of cultural respect for the anacondas in the Amazon.

The man is an absolute genius because England are set to play Italy in Manaus in the heart of the Amazonian jungle.

They really need the support of every reptile, monkey, piranha and other exotic wildlife -- including untamed Brazilian hotties in bikinis -- they can get.

I know some super brains out there believe than all England need is three West Ham players like Moore-Hurst-Peters in their 1966 World Cup-winning team.

But even an idiot like me knows that Downing-Carroll-Nolan is a combo you'd deploy for the World Pub Cup.

Hence, I'm fascinated by the professor's expert analysis because, though immobilised in a wheelchair, his mind charges faster than Gareth Bale racing with horses at the Turf Club.

I'm well aware of the sense of futility traditionally accompanying England the way people look at the dashing William as the next king but see instead the crashing Charles.

But science is science and like Jose Mourinho's modesty, it withstands whim, chance and fancy.

Well, at least as far as Brit professors go.

Patrick Stewart, who plays Professor Charles Xavier in the X-Men, is also relishing the WC although he added, "I fear a lot more disappointment due to my unfortunate affliction of supporting the England national team."

Stewart also played Captain Jean-Luc Picard in Star Trek, the egghead who egged his starship crew on with the erudite command, "Make it so".

Now, this time both professors, calculating the massive odds, would, I believe, be elated with just telling the England team to "make it so-so".