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World Cup 2014

Offside: Last-minute locker-room inspirations

Published on Jul 12, 2014 11:04 PM
A combination of file photos shows Germany's coach Joachim Loew (left) in Rio de Janeiro on July 4, 2014 and Argentina's coach Alejandro Sabella in Porto Alegre on June 25, 2014. These could be the final pep talks by the two World Cup final managers. -- PHOTO: AFP

These could be the final pep talks by the two World Cup final managers:

Germany’s Joachim Loew

Mannschaft, this is it. The big one.

We exterminated Brazil like a cockroach. Now we’ll do the same to Argentina.

Here are my final instructions. Miroslav Klose, score three goals so no one can come any closer to your World Cup goals record.

Not even fat Ronaldo, the record-holder you beat, if he wants to come back to replace that useless Fred Flintstone striker in Brazil.

Don’t move; just stand there. Kroos, Khedira and Oezil will be doing their amazing impression of a pinball machine again to bounce the ball right to your feet.

People call us a “machine”. Of course we are. Germany always make the finest machines like Mercedes, BMW and Claudia Schiffer.

Thomas Mueller, score more and next time, I’ll let you play without socks. Bastian Schweinsteiger, stop Messi and I promise a tank will be named after you.

My perfect goalkeeper, Manuel Neuer, I will not replace you even with the Great Wall Of China.

So, my great German team, go out and win the World Cup. We’ll celebrate from wunderbar to the drinks bar. Every beer on me.

For the Fatherland!

Argentina’s Alejandro Sabella

My beautiful team, history is upon us.

Win this World Cup and we do’t have to hear Diego Maradona boast about how only he can beat Germany.

I know they were very scary destroying Brazil 7-1. Mueller, Kroos, Schweinsteiger, Schuerrle, those Germans are as frightening as Luis Suarez’s teeth.

But we have Lionel Messi, Sergio Aguero, and most importantly, unlike Brazil, we don’t have David Luiz.

Messi, you are my key man. Please return the key to my drawer after you’ve approved my tactical plan.

The rest of you must support him, okay? Especially you, Gonzalo Higuain. Score; don’t snore.

Germany will put giants on Messi to stop him. It’ll look like Game Of Thrones, but with less beards.

Argentina, the throne will be ours if we can stop those giants.

Mascherano, mow them down with the toughness of Argentinian prime beef. Zabaleta, run until all your hair drops off and you look like Arjen Robben.

My boys, even Neymar is supporting us. He has our back; so we must soothe his sore back.

Let’s win the World Cup.