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Joan Rivers (1933-2014): 20 of her best quotes

Published on Sep 5, 2014 8:38 AM
 

Joan Rivers, the caustic stand-up comic and television host who blazed a trail at a time when comedy was all but off-limits to women, has died at the age of 81.

She spared no one her razor-sharp wit and was considered one of the best at delivering a cutting one-liner. Here are 20 of her most famous quotes:

A promotional photo of Joan Rivers in 1967. -- PHOTO: EBAY

1. "I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery."

2. "I was born in 1962...and the room next to me was 1963."

A 2005 photo of Joan Rivers and daughter Melissa (left) posing for a photo with the USC marching band on the red carpet before the start of the 62nd annual Golden Globe Awards show in Beverly Hills. -- PHOTO: AFP 

3. “I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.”

4. "Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century."

Joan Rivers holds onto her hat outside St George's Chapel in Windsor Castle, Britain, in this 2005 file photo. -- PHOTO: REUTERS

5. "Grandchildren can be so f---ing annoying. How many times can you go, 'And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink'? It's like talking to a supermodel."

6. "My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese: most of it's missing, and what's there stinks."

A 2009 file photo shows US actress Joan Rivers during a photocall during the 25th edition of the MIPCOM, in Cannes, southern France. -- PHOTO: AFP

7. "My breasts are so low now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time."

8. "When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off."

Comedian Joan Rivers arrives for the premiere of the documentary Joan Rivers - A Piece Of Work during the 2010 Sundance Film Festival in Park City, Utah in this 2010 file photo. -- PHOTO: REUTERS

9. "You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it."

10. "Looking 50 is great - if you're 60!"

Comedian Joan Rivers arrives before a presentation of the Badgley Mischka Fall/Winter 2012 collection during New York Fashion Week in this 2012 file photo.  -- PHOTO: REUTERS

11. "I can't wear yellow anymore. It's too matchy-matchy with my catheter."

12. "You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police."

13. "I hate thin people; 'Oh, does the tampon make me look fat?'"

14. "The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are 'age appropriate'. For me that would be a shroud."

15. "I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life. Peeping Toms look at my window and pull down the shade. My gynaecologist examines me by telephone."

16. "I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor."

17. "I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make it through one door, I'll go through another door - or I'll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present."

18. People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

19. "I'm no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge."

20. "At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents."

 

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