I interrupt your normal programming today to bring you this important newsflash: Women find me sexy.
I realise that statement might have caused some of you to spit out your Monday morning kaya toast in shock, but as you apologetically pick out pieces of semi-chewed bread from your colleague's hair, let me assure you that what I have just said is absolutely true.
Let me repeat it for you so there is absolutely no doubt as to what I am saying: Women find me sexy. And it is because of my body.
I know this is true because I read it on the Internet. And as everyone knows, anything you read online that agrees with your world view is absolutely, indisputably true.
Everything that doesn't is a vicious lie perpetrated by lying, immature morons.
For those of you who are unaware, what the Internet said recently is that women like something called the "dad bod".
The idea was first put forward by a 19-year-old student named Mackenzie Pearson, who - needless to say - is a person whose style opinions I hold in the highest regard.
In her now-viral article, she describes the "dad bod" as one that says: "I go to the gym occasionally, but I also drink heavily on the weekends and enjoy eating eight slices of pizza at a time".
She adds: "It's not an overweight guy, but it isn't one with washboard abs, either."
Her article, which I highly recommend to all women, then goes through a list of reasons why the "dad bod" is desirable. This includes such gems as "we like being the pretty one" and "better cuddling".
I swear to you that thus far, I have not made anything up.
Anyway, after I had read the piece, it became immediately clear to me that the weighty issue of dad bods warrants deeper discussion.
After all, this is not just an issue that involves my sexiness, it is also an issue that touches on gender equality and body image.
Am I equipped to discuss such a deep topic?
Probably not and whatever I say about that issue is probably going to be infuriatingly brief, but I will try anyway. So I hereby present that discussion in the ever-popular Q and A format.
Q: I am a young, good-looking man in my 20s. I have washboard abs and a nice chiselled chin. A lot of people always tell me how incredibly good- looking I am. I have been stopped many times on the street by people telling me I am cute and that I have a great butt. I have never failed to get into a club, even the most exclusive ones. Girls are always very nice to me. I have seriously had a lot of girlfriends. In fact...
A: Do you have a question?
Q: Oh right, yes. I do have a question. As I was saying, it has been extremely amazingly awesome being a handsome hardbody. Why in the world would I want your flab?
A: Well, there are many reasons. Better cuddling, as Mackenzie pointed out, but also, people like me are just more efficient.
For instance, I am able, from a cold start, to be ready to leave the house in 3½ minutes. Part of the beauty of the dad bod is that it requires very little maintenance.
While you are spending the better part of your day engaging in personal grooming, we rest in the comfort of knowing that no amount of grooming is going to make an impact on already good looks.
This is just all part of the grand circle of attractiveness. Dad bods used to be really hip in the 1950s and 1960s. Nobody then thought anything about visible stomach muscles or sharp clothing.
Then, for some reason, these things changed - I blame the invention of the thighmaster - and everyone decided it was important to have hard, chiselled bodies.
Now we are just returning to a more reasonable time.
Q: Do you really think women believe that?
A: I don't see why not.
Q: Remember the time not so long ago when women always said they wanted a man with a sense of humour? Weren't you the class clown?
A: As a matter of fact, I was.
Q: And how did that work out for you with the women?
A: I don't see what you are getting at.
Q: Ok, never mind. Assuming I would even want a dad bod, how do I get one? Do I have to be a dad?
A: No, you don't. I am not a dad and have basically been rocking this dad bod for most of my life. All you need to do is to let your standards drop. You don't need a child to have an excuse not to go to the gym. I can think of many other excuses - rain, for instance, or heat or strong wind or "I've had a hard day".
Add in a dose of low willpower and you'll have that dad bod in no time.
Q: Why isn't everyone swooning about a mum bod? Isn't it true that men think nothing of going out with a woman far more attractive than he is? Isn't this a sad reflection of the double standards and sexism in society?