Planet Bieber update: Justin debunks the big bang theory

Justin Beiber offers a Bieber version of that old standard.
Justin Beiber offers a Bieber version of that old standard. PHOTO: AFP

LONDON (THE GUARDIAN) - It is typically intriguing of Justin Bieber to choose cosmology for his first foray into scientific debunking, when many feel he could provide a more elegant rebuke to Darwinism. Either way, it's bad news for Cern, the European Organization for Nuclear Research (Twitter followers: 1.24 million), as Bieber (Twitter followers: 68 million) finally starts using his power for good - in this case, to explain how ludicrous the so-called origins of the universe are.

"I'm the type of dude who always wants to figure it out," explains the What Do You Mean? hitmaker. "Science makes a lot of sense," he concedes. Or does he?

"Then I start thinking - wait, the 'big bang'. For a 'big bang' to create all this is more wild to think about than thinking about there being a God. Imagine putting a bunch of gold into a box, shaking up the box, and out comes a Rolex. It's so preposterous once people start saying it."

In case you have been preoccupied with the various fripperies of the news pages, you won't have failed to notice that the world is being gifted Bieber 3.0 at present, with the star anxious to use all media appearances to declare the coming of his third age. First he was a teen pop sensation; then he was a bad boy; now he is at a point in his evolution where he is no longer going to hide the fact that Jesus is his salvation.

Consequently, he has granted a lengthy interview to a mag called Complex - which seems anything but - where he ruminates on Christianity. Or what might be more accurately called Christianity feat Justin Bieber.

He is keen to differentiate himself from the more unpalatable adherents of the faith. "I think that with Christians," he explains, "they've left such a bad taste in people's mouths."

What he is offering, it seems, is a Bieber version of that old standard. And the bravery of his position doesn't escape him. "I think that people, as soon as they start hearing me saying I'm a Christian, they're like, 'Whoa, Justin, back up, take a step back.' Also, I do not want to shove this down anyone's throat. I just wanna honestly live like Jesus. Not be Jesus - I could never - I don't want that to come across weird."

You never could, Justin. Anyone who can tour the Anne Frank Museum and write in the guest book "Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a Belieber" could never come across weird.

In a sense, Bieber is disestablishing himself - and perhaps his Beliebers, too. "Like I said," he reasons. "You don't need to go to church to be a Christian. If you go to Taco Bell, that doesn't make you a taco." ARE YOU LISTENING, DAWKINS? Answer that and stay fashionable.

As for other highlights of this landmark interview...Well, there's Bieber's reverence for his own renaissance-man accomplishments - "I was the only person in my school who was skateboarding and on the basketball team." And at this moment in America's social history, it is necessary - however painful - to hear another heartrending story of excessive police force. Bieber takes time to revisit the occasion last year on which he was arrested for late-night drag-racing in a Lamborghini in Miami. According to him, the officer in question went way too far when he asked him to put his hands on the Lamborghini roof.

His thoughts that night were like so many young men of his age, it seems: "I felt it, dude. Oh right, they're trying to get me now at any cost."

As for his 24 hours of incarceration following the incident, most likely there will be those of you who imagine that a night in the cells with the real crims was a testing experience for a 21-year-old pop brat rapidly coming to the understanding that cool is not for sale. But honestly, Bieber can't tell you how wrong you are. According to the singer, his fellow inmates were yelling: "Bieber! We love you! Aye! Keep your head up, bro!"

"It was kind of funny to hear that," recalls a self-deprecating Bieber, "especially from cats in jail."

So there you have it. He touches all - from his 68 million Beliebers to guys who'll literally get arrested for criminal assault and battery just to tell him how much Boyfriend spoke to them. The Justin Bieber Rapture is upon us: let us pray we all get swept up.