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BIG GUN: Arsenal's biggest weapon is Cesc Fabregas (above) in midfield, but he's grounded by injury. -- PHOTOS: REUTERS, AP, AFP
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TONIGHT, expect your men - from husbands to boyfriends - to play football supporter. After all, it's a rarity for two crucial matches involving four top-pedigree teams of the English Premier League to kick off on the same night.
If your men tell you that these are do-or-die matches, they are. If they have no time to field your questions, here's our handy guide to understanding the pitch-fever battles out there.
And feel free to scream for every crunching tackle committed and every goal scored.
stlife@sph.com.sg
Arsenal vs Chelsea
Battlefield: Emirates Stadium,Arsenal's homeground
Arsenal
Commanding general: Arsene Wenger, 58
Premiership scalps: 3
From: France
Possible military hero: Napoleon Bonaparte, Emperor of France, conqueror of Europe, in the 18th and 19th centuries
Banana peel: Could this match be Wenger's Waterloo?
Basic tactical approach: Keep the ball below the knees and pass it around.
Biggest gun: Cesc Fabregas directing traffic in the middle of the field
Weakest link: The maestro may not play due to injury.
Blur sotong soldier who could mess things up: Philippe Senderos, an error-prone central defender most at home at Newcastle United
Essential Art Of War strategy according to Arsene Sun Tze:
1. As far as possible, don't trust English players.
2. Dine with champagne football now. Whine about missed goals later.
3. Anyone pumping the ball into the air beyond 1.25m will be summarily disciplined. Ideally executed.
4. If fielding Jens Lehmann, tell him he's the greatest goalie in the world and should be given a Nobel Prize to stoke his enormous ego and make him happy.
5. Send William Gallas, former troublemaker at Chelsea, back to his old team to stir up more trouble.
Chelsea
Commanding general: Av- ram Grant, 52
Premiership scalps: None
From: Israel
Possible military hero: General Moshe Dayan, legendary Israeli military leader during the Six Day and Yom Kippur wars in the 1960s and 1970s
Banana peel: The general wore an eyepatch. But is Grant's vision better with both eyes open?
Basic tactical approach: Just bore the hell out of the opponents.
Biggest gun: John Terry leading a defence that's more miserly than Scrooge at Christmas
Weakest link: The super-big cannon Didier Drogba is injured and out of the game.
Blur sotong soldier who could mess things up: Super scoring dud Andriy Shevchenko (below) getting into everybody's way while trying to kick a balloon into the net
Essential Art Of War strategy according to Avram Sun Tze:
1. To bring the best out of Frank Lampard, keep reminding him he's playing for Chelsea. Not England.
2. Goalie Petr Cech must play. Even if he has to wear a helmet to protect his head.
3. Instruct every ball boy to surround the referee if the players need more help to intimidate the referee.
4. Tell Roman Abramovich to get his chequebook ready.
5. Think. What would Jose Mourinho do?
Report to frontline: Today, Football Channel (StarHub Channel 27), 11.55pm
Liverpool vs Manchester United
Battlefield: Anfield, Liverpool's homeground
Liverpool
Commanding general: Rafael Benitez (right), 47
Premiership scalps: None
From: Spain
Possible military hero: Generalissimo Francisco Franco, leader of the Nationalists during the Spanish Civil War in the 1930s
Banana peel: The general was a ruthless dictator. Benitez is a wishy-washy rotator in the way he rotates his players.
Basic tactical approach: Kick the ball to Steven Gerrard or Fernando Torres.
Biggest gun: The Stevie G (Gerrard)-El Nino (Torres) perfect-partnership combo
Weakest link: Benitez may decide: 'I don't think I'm satisfied with my selection. Better ask Mum.'
Blur sotong soldier who could mess things up: Beanpole striker Peter Crouch deciding to play like a gazelle instead of a giraffe
Essential Art Of War strategy according to Rafael Sun Tze:
1. Install a merry-go-round so that he can rotate his squad better.
2. Raid Barcelona and Antonio Banderas' neighbourhood for more Spanish-speaking players.
3. Teach Gerrard (below) to play with his head and not with his heart by enrolling him in a primary school.
4. Kiss the club's American owners' a**es by wearing a cowboy hat to get money to buy new players.
5. Starting from tomorrow, no more siesta time at 3pm until the championship is won.
Manchester United
Commanding general: Alex Ferguson (left), 65
Premiership scalps: 9
From: Scotland
Possible military hero: William Wallace, Scottish patriot who fought the English for independence in the late 13th century
Banana peel: Wallace's soldiers died for freedom. Ferguson's soldiers play for money.
Basic tactical approach: If nothing else works, dive, Cristiano Ronaldo, dive.
Biggest gun: The RRT threesome - Ronaldo, Wayne Rooney and Carlos Tevez - in the mood for goals and hugs
Weakest link: Rooney goes loony and Ronny starts to cry.
Blur sotong soldier who could mess things up: Striker Louis Saha charging into the battle wondering: 'Why am I still not injured?'
Essential Art Of War strategy according to Sir Alex Sun Tze:
1. When unhappy, curse the referee from his great-grandmother to his great-great-grandchildren.
2. Keep the temper in check until there's somebody to kick a boot, a dustbin or a tractor at.
3. Make Ryan Giggs drink more youth tonic so that he can continue to run in and out like a spring chicken.
4. Drink some of that tonic himself so that he can rule Man U for another 50 years.
5. Ask Steve McClaren to come back to Old Trafford as his official umbrella man.
Report to frontline: Today, Football Channel (StarHub Channel 27), 9.25pm
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